Blogging about senioritis as a sickness is not an effective solution to cure it. It would make you cry and stop and cry and stop then cry again (Probably the reason why this note is unstructured, jumps ideas from paragraphs to paragraphs. Na parang each paragraph, kailangang tuyuin ang luha dahil ang weird naman ng hitsura ng bonggang bonggang umiiyak habang nagta-type) So if you care to read this, you can read just a paragraph at a time haha.
I could not go to sleep even if I am really tired today. I am sick, yes, senioritis. I tried to go to bed and get myself covered with blankets while feeling the soft pillow beneath my head and staring at the ceiling. I could not believe that within less than three months, I would surely be doing most (if not all of the following)
1. Move out of the Udorm and find another place
2. Clear my “Tagapamahala ng Pandayan” cabinet in the Matanglawin publication room
3. Drop the label “undergraduate” or “AB EU” student
4. Have the clearance for graduation signed by the offices concerned
5. Say good bye for now to college friends
6. Apply for jobs
I was counting the academic requirements (4 written midterms, 2 long tests, 2 final oral exams, 1 final video project, 3 long academic papers, 3 major presentations, 1 model UN, a novel to finish, and I might have skipped some) before graduation and the events I need to organize (COP Sportsfest, Hulagway, Bertigo, Rubdob, LAST EVSEM) for my organization. I said to myself, “February to March would be hell. I would need to work my ass off to meet requirements, duties and deadlines.” Ang daming requirements, ang konti na ng oras. Parang gusto ko nang isuko o matulog na lamang at magising na tapos na ang lahat nang bigla kong maisip na ayokong matapos, ayoko pa. Naiisip ko, baka hindi ko pa kayang iwan ang comfort zone ng college life. Fine, college life is of course difficult, but I am scared of what is out there, what is out there away from the people you met and loved for four years.
Na iyong akala kong totoong totoong buhay ay iiwan upang sumaibayo at harapin ang sinasabi nilang “higit na totoong buhay.
I don’t know how to cure this or if I need to cure this. Na para bang, ayaw ko nang tumambay sa orgroom dahil napipilitan akong magcountdown. Na parang nakakatuwa na ang whiteboard sa orgroom, days lang ang nakalagay at walang months (I would hate to see a January there, much more a March. I would never get the chance to see April though.)
Random fact: I feel like I am very much attached to college life. I think this is true to every graduating student. Na pwede bang i-suspend ang finals week, ang blue roast, ang bigayan ng grad pics at aegis year book? Na sana huwag ko na munang pag-abalahan ang pag-iisip sa unimaginable condition na what-you-call after graduation.
Dear friends,
es,yu,el,i,ti,en en,a,ti,en a,en,ji o,ar,a,es
ay el,o,vi,e way,o,yu
As of now, I think I would rather bear a series of a series of a series of mega hell weeks than be placed in that spacio-temporal dimension of March 2011, Ateneo de Manila University.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Just so you know, I LOVE YOU
Random facts:
I think about you all the time. Can I just say that “all the time” here is not an exaggeration. And stop calling me hopeless romantic. This is not even romantic. I’d rather accept this situation as hopeless than romantic or hopeless romantic. Believe me it is true when I say that I want to see you everyday. And mind you, I do not even have the right but I always get jealous whenever you hang around with someone else. I mean what have you done to me? I have never felt anything like this before, to the point that something bad happens to you, I feel like I am the most affected person. Something good happens, I rejoice for you, much more your closest friends do (believe me, this is true). You are not the most handsome guy in this world, how come you have captured my heart for more than a year now (1 year and two months to be exact). It was a good thing back then. You were really inspiring. But the situation today and nowadays is totally different. I mean, we do not have time for each other (or even if we do, I feel we/you would rather spend the precious time for someone or something else) So back to the point that I feel jealous even if I do not have the right to. I could not stop asking why in the first place have you chosen me (or if you did not deliberately choose me, why did we become together more than each of us became together with someone else, other than ourselves)? I wanted you to be my friend even before I met you (I admit that and I have told you many times this fact) So is this the reason why we became friends? That you just gave in or welcomed my implicit invitation to become friends. With all honesty, I just wanted us to become friends, nothing more, back then. But hey dearie, can I just say you have gone too far, much farther than what my other friends get or know of me. Or was it my fault to have given too much of myself, too much of my time, too much of my trust, too much of my attention, too much of my love (or love is a strong word, too much of my liking). I have a lot of questions because I want to understand but how can I even ask questions that have the possibility of being valid only in my end and not with yours. Perhaps I have given things too much meaning. I cannot just arrive at a rationalization that I should not be sad that it ended, I need to happy that it happened. It is painful to accept especially because I have never wanted it to end and I do not want the tense of “to happen” to be in the past tense. I want it in the present or future. Or if everything needs to end just when I am not yet ready, please let me know why did you let all things to start, to begin with? Or maybe it is a question I should be asking to myself. But please, if you know you are this person, can you please, please answer the questions, you know you are capable of answering. I have a lot of questions. I have a lot. They might be left unanswered forever. It is a sad thing to always wake up in the morning knowing that I do not have the answers and the only person who might give me a glimpse of the truth is not willing to give me that glimpse (or not aware that hey, I want the truth) Or if there is nothing true with every assumption I made, or I felt, please, I am begging, just tell me why they are lies. Tell me why and how I could have possibly been trapped in this world of imagination that was sweet but turned bitter through time. It is not that something bad is happening but something different is happening. It is ironic how I am trying to forget things that never really were in the first place.
1. It felt perfect when we were together, even just as friends. It was perfect.If one day you read this, just so you know, not for any other thing, but just so you know, I love you. And no matter how much I want to put a D in this verb, I can not or I just can not do it yet. So there you go, I love you.
2. When that thing happened during last year’s semestral break, I did not know what to do. I did even know how to cope. And I still have this big question: Were you telling the truth?
3. When I had not seen you for two months, no communication, I felt sad and empty.
4. When you made attempts (or probably they were not attempts, I just assumed they were) to talk, I felt happy and thankful and missing you.
5. Last summer, you broke my heart. As in, you broke my heart. I cannot elaborate everything here, but ohlalala.
6. I am thankful for writing me or editing for me my writeup.
7. Since this number corresponds to your name, I want you to stay. I want us to stay, even just as friends.
I think about you all the time. Can I just say that “all the time” here is not an exaggeration. And stop calling me hopeless romantic. This is not even romantic. I’d rather accept this situation as hopeless than romantic or hopeless romantic. Believe me it is true when I say that I want to see you everyday. And mind you, I do not even have the right but I always get jealous whenever you hang around with someone else. I mean what have you done to me? I have never felt anything like this before, to the point that something bad happens to you, I feel like I am the most affected person. Something good happens, I rejoice for you, much more your closest friends do (believe me, this is true). You are not the most handsome guy in this world, how come you have captured my heart for more than a year now (1 year and two months to be exact). It was a good thing back then. You were really inspiring. But the situation today and nowadays is totally different. I mean, we do not have time for each other (or even if we do, I feel we/you would rather spend the precious time for someone or something else) So back to the point that I feel jealous even if I do not have the right to. I could not stop asking why in the first place have you chosen me (or if you did not deliberately choose me, why did we become together more than each of us became together with someone else, other than ourselves)? I wanted you to be my friend even before I met you (I admit that and I have told you many times this fact) So is this the reason why we became friends? That you just gave in or welcomed my implicit invitation to become friends. With all honesty, I just wanted us to become friends, nothing more, back then. But hey dearie, can I just say you have gone too far, much farther than what my other friends get or know of me. Or was it my fault to have given too much of myself, too much of my time, too much of my trust, too much of my attention, too much of my love (or love is a strong word, too much of my liking). I have a lot of questions because I want to understand but how can I even ask questions that have the possibility of being valid only in my end and not with yours. Perhaps I have given things too much meaning. I cannot just arrive at a rationalization that I should not be sad that it ended, I need to happy that it happened. It is painful to accept especially because I have never wanted it to end and I do not want the tense of “to happen” to be in the past tense. I want it in the present or future. Or if everything needs to end just when I am not yet ready, please let me know why did you let all things to start, to begin with? Or maybe it is a question I should be asking to myself. But please, if you know you are this person, can you please, please answer the questions, you know you are capable of answering. I have a lot of questions. I have a lot. They might be left unanswered forever. It is a sad thing to always wake up in the morning knowing that I do not have the answers and the only person who might give me a glimpse of the truth is not willing to give me that glimpse (or not aware that hey, I want the truth) Or if there is nothing true with every assumption I made, or I felt, please, I am begging, just tell me why they are lies. Tell me why and how I could have possibly been trapped in this world of imagination that was sweet but turned bitter through time. It is not that something bad is happening but something different is happening. It is ironic how I am trying to forget things that never really were in the first place.
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