Suits S02E16 - Season Finale

You don't understand what I have been through. You don't understand what I have lost. Because it's everything, everyone that I love - Trevor, my grandmother, Harvey, now probably this job. I am not ready to lose you. Not today. 

If she had shown up here and asked you to start a relationship, would you have said yes? xxx No, you wouldn't have. xxx Did you ask her to stay? xxx Bullshit, you let her go. And I am so sick of watching you fight like hell for everything that happens in here and nothing that happens in here (heart) xxx But the thing is she didn't love him, she loves you. 

♥ ♥ ♥ What a finale this finale!!! :)

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So that’s how “I could lose my life at any moment,” felt. For less than ten seconds, I felt numb. It was probably the combination of feeling scared, anxious, helpless, undecided. I could have been stabbed by a stranger when I was so unprepared to die.

***

Nakasakay ako sa jeep habang nagpapadala ng mga text sa ilang kabigan nang biglang may maingay sa may pinto ng sasakyan. (Tired from the day’s requirements and The Palladium’s coverage of SC elections and thinking how to study for tomorrow’s PIL class)

Mga pasahero: Hindi maintindihang ingay.

Magnanakaw: Putang ina mo, ano?

Drayber: Putang ina mo (para sa Magnanakaw). Putang ina mo, nananadya ka pa (Para sa kasalubong na jeep na pinaghinalaan niyang kasabwat).

Magnanakaw: Putang ina mo lalaban ka pa. Putang ina. (Sumampa ng jeep at may hawak na kutsilyo habang papalapit sa Drayber. Ilang Segundo ang nagdaan, bumaba rin siya dala ang 2 bag at cellphone ng ibang pasahero).

Umiiyak ako. Umiiyak din ang mga kasama ko habang pinipilit ang Drayber na tumakbo na lamang dahil baka bumalik pa ang Magnanakaw. Dumiretso kami sa presinto.

***

For 30 minutes of my life, I was so confused. I did not know what to do. The place of the precinct was an unknown area and it was already 10:00 PM. I did not know whether to wait for the jeepney with the other passengers or to get myself a cab. The pros of a cab: I can go ahead. The cons of the cab: I will be alone and it might pass the very same street where the incident happened. I was so scared but I could not call my sister to get a cab from the dorm and fetch me there. It was a scary place. I could not call a friend to fetch me there. It was a scary place. I ended up waiting for the other passengers to give their (I did not even know how that one was called, complaint?) On our way back, the jeepney driver was saying sorry and apologizing for what happened. He said, “Nangyayari talaga ito. Pasensya na.” He did not have to. I feel endlessly thankful no one was hurt. It feels awful how a person can arbitrarily lose his or her life because of a random event. The robber could have just chosen one of us to stab, so that the passengers will be scared. Thanks God it did not happen.

Reflections:

All my legal knowledge was gone, even for that moment we were already at the precinct. If I were one of the passengers whose things were robbed, I may not have been able to speak at all. It’s really not the things that one will lose. I believe it is more of the emotional stress one has to endure being confronted with a knife that could end one’s life when one is extremely not prepared to die. I was so confused and crying: I read the texts I sent when we were already at the precinct, I used curse words like “Fuck,” “Shit” etc. And I used them repeatedly. I don’t curse in normal situations.

Resolution: I will never ever commute at night ever again. Safety is not insured by daytime but at least, I will have sunlight.

Realization: It is a sad and bad thing (probably unjustified qualification by a law student) but theft is a “better” crime than robbery.

Thank you to my AHRC friends who called: Lea, Pau, Jay. At paumanhin kung nakagulo pa ako sa simula ng pagdiriwang. CONGRATULATIONS LEA B. NA HANDANG MAGSILBI!!! 

Anything based on mutual distrust is never going to work.

Some random tweets I just want to eternalize… Because I felt really bad these days and I feel like they were all undue emotional stress (and undeserved for that matter)… Well, at the end of the day, I can’t get people to like me the same way as I can’t force myself to like people… It just still hurts there are people who would effort to ruin one’s life all because of mutual unliking of each other, which yeah, leads to mutual distrust. I have mentioned “Anything based on mutual distrust is never going to work,” until a good friend reminded me it is basically the history of international relations. I was enlightened that in IR, it worked! So there, the random tweets… But honestly, I feel happy today because I got to talk to people who understood (and tried to)… I hate being judged because of the things I believe in… But at the end of the day, I will still believe in them even if others may hate me for doing so… So there, the random tweets (I’m repetitive) 

So that was disillusionment to the nth level!!! But thank you Lord for peace today <3

And that was the pretty feeling of everyone going against you w/o understanding why but at the end of the day, you have to stand up.

And uh, feel lucky you were able to experience such a bad thing (after all experience is experience) and you stood up? IDK

Theme song for the past three days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aViAxK3SKU

Writing to get by... This ROLLER COASTER RIDE

My January and February (so far) 2013

1. I got my dream internship. It meant a lot for me. God knows how I worked hard preparing my resumes and commuting to personally hand my application envelopes in Makati, Taguig and Ortigas. One interview I had was on the same day I took my Tax midterms. I know it had a detrimental effect on my exam but as my forever mantra would say: charge it to experience. I really enjoyed applying because I got to see offices. I enjoyed having interviews because it somehow tested my ability to answer unexpected questions and hold conversations without boring the interviewer. If I had all the time in the world, I would really love to work with several lawyers because I know they have what it takes to inspire me. I love working with other people and learning from them. This is in addition to the fact that I get to measure my capabilities whenever I work with other people under pressure and certain expectations. 

I am so excited for my summer. I am excited to learn new things and work with other law students from other schools and from Ateneo, including the no-other-than-smartest-person-in-our-batch-who-is-the-incarnation-of-MAGIS.

PS: My heartfelt gratitude goes to the people I kept on asking to come up with decisions: Jay, Batch Mars, Lyn, Sis Les, Kuya Neil, Bang, Rizza, a lot of friends from AHRC.

2. I flunked exams. Midterm results for some subjects have been released. I flunked some (in literal sense) and barely passed the others. I really don't know why or how it happened. I studied my lessons. There were just subjects I can barely comprehend - like Tax. But anyway, Tax can be both the most frustrating and enlightening experience I will ever have in my life. So, hi, yes to the universe. I am just hoping that if I give it my best and comply with what is expected of me, the universe will help me make it through the semester. This semester is tough (like the toughest one I have ever had?)

3. I "loved?" I thought I have met someone perfect to be a guy partner or anything and I thought I loved? But probably not. It could not be love because it has gone tired. I don't know. I really don't know. I also am not sure I'm tired. Probably not? Probably trying to convince myself I am tired for the self to stop and not get hurt tomorrow or some other time? Adele sang "I won't let you close enough to hurt me." Well, I still like the guy but he doesn't give a damn, so K thanks bye? But we are friends? And I just don't know how to deal with it - I mean falling for someone (first time in law school) who doesn't give a damn. Or I really don't know. Spent too much time caring? And making it the center of my solar system when it should have been the sun? Bottomline: I allowed myself to be hurt once more, and not by another person, but by the creations of my imaginations and dreams that it might work? 

4. I am part of the Roll of Honors. I think grades are not everything but I am a firm believer that they are important. So, I am happy to be part of the Roll of Honors because it justifies the efforts of the people sending me to school and the hopes of others who expect something from me. I am way down there but I am a thankful for it. There were times I wish I did not have to work but then again, how will I cope with everyday if I don't have work? Thank you Lord so much for still giving me the things I want even if I feel like I don't deserve them all. I mean, I am just a student who sleep my ass off whenever I am dead tired. Thank you to my family who always listen (in spite of my almost regular rants about school and how hard it is to study, work and commute for almost 3 hours a day). I am the person who rant a lot but still work on it. I don't know I have grown to feel like ranting will make me accomplish something better - because it recognizes the adversity and challenge and at the same time acknowledges the capability of the self to endure? But oh well, I should stop ranting sometimes HAHA!

PS: Thank you again to the people who continuously inspire: Sir Ryan, Sir Arpee, Sir Vallente, and the like. Friends esp. Mau, Al, Bernz, Patrick and another girl from UP Law (whom I've never met but inspired me a lot after I read stories about her, well I stalk a lot that's given). Well, of course, friends outside law school who continue to live simply and humbly even if they already earn a lot. Thank you also Mommy Ana for helping me in every way possible. The world is so blessed with people like you.