Apologies, Freedom, Love

A guy does not become a girl’s just because she fenced him. Freedom of the self to love (and choose) entails freedom of the other to love (and choose). This is not saying that love will merely be mutual choice or convergence between two persons’ freedom. Love should be more than that, but it surely should start with mutual respect of the other’s freedom. One cannot just impose love and expect to be loved in return. This is still not saying that love should always be reciprocal. There will always be questions on whether sacrificial love and unrequited love fall under the general definition of “love.” But that really depends on a person’s definition of love. However, it is certain that it should not be a question of who flings better or uses chains and fences more.

A person can only do so much in making his choice and hope for the best that the other will also choose him. It should not be too regulated nor too framed to limit the options of the other. One can make decisions and revisions to improve the self or even exert efforts to alleviate the chances of being chosen. However, things are different if emotions of other people (aside from the self and the initial other) are already involved. If the other chosen by the self has another, even before the self came in, the self should be able to recognize that. In a way, this could be seen as a threat to the self’s freedom. The freedom of the other can in a way preclude the self from exercising its absolute freedom. But that is life. There should always be recognition that spatio-temporal motions are governed by the limitedness of being. The goal should be to transcend in spite of one’s historicity, and to transcend without limiting another’s right to also transcend.

The presence of the other’s another does not mean that the self’s hope should dry up. Hope does not end there. But love is not about a competition, nor is it a question of who wins or who loses. Bottomline is that the self should know how to respect the feelings of others (in this sense, the another). Of if the self has unconsciously failed to respect emotions of others (in this sense, the another), he should know how to apologize and change the structure of things from the very moment he realized his “mistakes.” Mistakes in quotations because the “wrong” done should not be considered as wrongs and mistakes in the real sense. The self cannot be blamed, even for things hastily done for the mere reason of overexercising the freedom to choose.

Apologies are never too late, especially when they are due, even after damage is done. 

Been Posting Crap Nowadays

Realization of the day: I still suck at news writing. I did not really feel bad about it. It was just weird that my writing style has not improved since (insert time immemorial here). I need training to write good news stories. Well, I have had a lot of trainings on news writing but the only thing I know is that the lead should contain the 5Ws and H. However, I could not seem to be able to really apply it when I write (even when I think I have applied the rule).

Another realization of the day: Regarding (code), if it is going to come, it will come. I think I have preoccupied myself too much of thinking about getting this (code) that I forgot there are more important things in life. Well, I have been happy and productive the past weeks but I could not deny that I really focused too much on (code), to the point that I can relate almost (literally) everything to (code). This is not a good thing. I have been probably moving way too fast when I should have not moved at all, all for the sake of this (code). Now, I should go back to what I am here for: I need to be a student (diligent student in that matter). I do not know what to do with (code). Not really sure if moving or not moving would be the right thing to do. Well at least, it is not a case of "damn if i do, damn if i don't." It's I think more of the fact that I am afraid of doing something for (code) and having negative (even painful) consequences, very painful I could not even say the word for (code).

Realization just now: Should I be bothered that I am seeing (code) more as possible source of negative and painful consequences than possible source of happiness and inspiration as many people see (code) as such?

What I am Sure of: Code (aka College Senior Year version in Law School) is so not going to happen. Code should be different. But I do not know if I should be "working" on it or even "entertaining" the possibility of it.  Also, I will never be caught unprepared for class (I also do not know if I can do it).

It's Not Waiting for Godot

Writing a blog once more because I need to be writing many things: for my org and for work and feels like I want to write about personal reflections first.

First: I am thankful I have been generally happy these past weeks. Much happier than last semester. I started the semester right. I am more diligent now. I am more active with my organizations. I work more (because I have to earn more). And, I sleep less. I am usually in school before 7AM. I study after class everyday (Last sem, I used to study for a maximum of an hour after class. I used to not do anything with the rest of the afternoon/night and cram my ass off the next morning). I am more tired though but I am happy doing the things I love – working for a good cause, writing (and bringing back the old dream of wanting to become a broadcast journalist had I not have the defect of pronouncing the letter “R” and had I been a pretty woman walking down the street).

Second: I am thankful I am surrounded now by extremely inspiring (in their own ways) people. I have good and loving friends. I have caring sisters. I met relatively more new faces these past weeks. And they are all awesome! I just met Atty. Chochoi Medina tonight. His ‘speech’ made me cry (a lot), even if I’ve never known him personally. It feels so touching to see a man, recovering, who could barely speak, and still manage to give words of kindness, passion and love for the Ateneo Human Rights Center. Great man!

Third: I am thankful I found a new inspiration to help me read the extra page, study the extra hour, use the extra highlighter. It is not going somewhere but that’s fine. Inspiration comes in many ways.

Fourth (or Third Part B): I am thankful I still have the courage to wait and believe true love exists. I am thankful I still have the faith there is someone to play the role of a permanent life’s inspiration. It’s gonna come.

*random thoughts my mind thinks tonight* 

Thank YOU!!!

On living a life that is about bearing the unbearable “in spite of and with hope.” On life that is having to deal with thorns for the sake of saving precious petals. That pain and fear always get defeated by courage and love. 

I am writing this because I had a happy week that I almost forgot how I made it. I feel thankful to still be in school pursuing something I have always dreamed of (which I thought was impossible given certain constraints). I feel triumphant for having endured a tough (not just academically but emotionally) semester, with and without the people who inspire me most, with the people who pulled me down and judged me like I have never been judged all my life. Tough semester, it was tough.

I am writing this because I would love to express my gratitude (in writing) to the people who served as my strength to continuously strive (and who would have been my strength had I not made it).

Because I really miss you, Joyce. Thank you for being such an awesome friend. Thank you for helping me get through with everything – from being a constant companion, to a thoughtful blockmate, to the person who would spend some bucks to treat me to dinners after terrible ObliCon and other classes when I would not have sufficient funds to buy myself food (HAHA that poor my being broke goes down to that level). Thank you for letting me sleep over your place. You are so awesome there is nothing I would not give to have you back.  I miss you everyday though sometimes I try to forget. Unbelievable how I had freshman nights when I could count  the number of times I would go home alone, and have sophomore afternoons when I could count the number of times I would go home with someone. It is a bit painful experience to go in and out of Plant’s door without a friend in front or behind me.

Because I also miss you Maxine. Thank you so much for always having words of wisdom and optimism you always share with us. I am not a touchy person (I hate people giving me hugs, actually) but your hug is one of those hugs I would never resist. I love you for always sharing with us everything and for introducing us to your wonderful family. Thank you for always inspiring us to do our best no matter what. Thank you for believing I would make it through last semester when I was ready to find impossible ways of explaining how I (would have been not able to make it).

I think this is the only picture that we are complete. But thank you. I will forever love you: for being always there; for having been the friends who were there when I first burst law school tears.

To my dearest friends and/or sisters whom I spend most of my time with, Ate Hye, Gay, Febs. Thank you Ate Hye for being such a nice person. You are one of the nicest people I have ever met. [Salamat talaga Ate Hye sa pagiging napakabuting kaibigan “in spite of.”] Thank you Gay for being like my bestfriend in law school. Thank you Febs for being a good friend and a source of laughter when everyone else is down. Let us be POWER FOUR 2012 [And we can have Operation SP Sneak Peek on TTh until our fourth year, if you know what I mean HAHAHA] Pardon me for writing such an emo post tonight [wala kasing PIL readings eh]

Thank you for the friendship even if we are already “apart,” Ate Con, Al, Richard, Chanchan, Franz, Edward, Joter, Bernz, Pau, etc.Thank you for listening to endless rants.

I am forever grateful to accommodating and friendly people who would extend help to me/us whenever they see that I/we need help from them. You made a tough semester bearable.

*  Blogging because I have no readings for tomorrow and I have time.