Balangkas ng Pagpapahalaga: Salamat 2012!

Nariyan ang pagpapahalaga sa buhay sapagkat ito ang nagbibigay-pagkakataon sa sarili upang umiral. Ito ang nagbibigay-pagkakataong dumanas – masaya o masakit man. Ito ang nagbibigay-pagkakataong umunawa o pilit na maghanap ng sagot kung bakit walang pag-unawa. Sa pagpapahalaga sa sarili, patuloy kong binibigyang-buhay ang katagang hango sa pilosopiya ni Gabriel Marcel: Ang sarili ay hiwaga, pasya at biyaya.

Sinabi ko sa sarili kong sisikapin kong “mamaalam” sa taong 2012, isang “pamamaalam” na patuloy na nakakulong sa mga panipi, mga paniping hindi nangangahulugang pilit kong tinatalikuran ang katotohanang papasok na ang 2013 bagkus mga paniping nagsasabuhay na hindi mawawala iyong 2012. Mananatiling nariyan sa alaala ang mga pangyayari. Maari silang manumbalik sa mga darating na araw, linggo, buwan o taon. Napagtanto kong hindi naman isang kahingian ang mag-paalam sa taong puno ng karanasan dahil mayroong kalayaang piliin iyong pansamantalang pagsasara o kahit isang simpleng pagharap lamang sa tadhanang patuloy gumalaw kasabay ng oras.

Ninais kong isulat ang piyesang ito gamit ang isang balangkas na tatawagin kong “Balangkas ng Pagpapahalaga.” Maihahalintulad ang buhay ayon sa pag-iral nito sa mga pagpapahalagang siyang nagbibigay kahulugan sa kung anumang nais abutin o marating ng isang tao.

Pagpapahalaga sa Iba

Pamilya

“Ang hindi lumingon sa pinanggalingan, hindi makararating sa paroroonan,” isang kasabihang mahigit isang libo ko nang narinig o nabasa marahil. Sa kabila nito, hindi ako humihinto sa pakikinig o paniniwalang kailangang malay ang sarili sa kung anumang mayroon siya “bago” pa man mangyari ang lahat – pamilya. Ang aking pamilya ang sumasalo sa tuwing ako’y mahuhulog. Ang pamilya ko ang tumutulak at patuloy na sumusuporta upang huwag huminto, sa kabila ng lahat ng pagsubok. Ang aking pamilya ang nariyang nagagalak sa bawat tagumpay, nalulungkot ngunit may pagtanggap, sa kabila ng kabiguan. Pamilya marahil iyong biyayang patuloy na “nariyan na,” “nariyan lang,” o “palaging nariyan,” na dapat hindi makalimutang pahalagahan.

Kaibigan

[Friends] Bahagi ng buhay ang pakikipamuhay kasama ng ibang tao. Nagpapasalamat ako sa mga dating kaibigan at bagong kaibigan, na kasama kong dumanas at tumikim sa anumang ibigay ng buhay – inasahan o hindi inasahan. Kaibigan iyong matiyagang makikinig sa kabila nang paulit-ulit na pagtatanong o paghingi ng tulong. [Special mention to Matanglawin, Dorm Friends, Scholar Friends]

[Benefactors] Araw-araw akong gumigising nang may pasasalamat at tiwalang mabuti ang mundo. Maraming salamat sa patuloy na sumusuporta sa aking pag-aaral. Kayo ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ako titigil na tuwina’y magbigay-katarungan sa inyong pagtulong. Isang biyaya ng Diyos na nakatagpo ako ng mga taong binibigyang katuparan ang isa sa mga pinahahalagahan ko sa buhay – edukasyon.

[AHRC] Noong isang taon ko pa ninais na maging kasapi ng Ateneo Human Rights Center. Sa biyaya ng Diyos at sa tulong ng mga pumili sa Batch Bulan, naging intern ako ng AHRC ngayong taon. Masaya kong sasabihing isa sa pinakamagandang nangyari sa aking buhay ngayong taon ang pagiging miyembro ng organisasyon. Nakatutuwang magkaroon ng ibang gawain, maliban sa pag-aaral, lalo na kung may hawig na paniniwala rin ng tulad sa sarili ang mga makakasama.

Dahil sa AHRC, nakilala ko ang aking pamilyang Mangyan. Maraming ipinamulat sa akin ang pakikimuhay ko kasama sila sa loob ng isang linggo. Dahil sa AHRC, nakilala ko ang mga kaibigang marahil ay magiging kaibigan ko na rin habang buhay. Dahil sa AHRC, nakilala ko ang mga abogadong ginagamit ang batas upang makatulong sa mga marhinalisadong pangkat ng lipunan, sa layuning magsulong ng katarungan.

[The Palladium] Ito rin ang taon kung kailan ako nagkaroon ng una kong organisasyon sa Law School. Nakilala ko ang mga kasamang may pagmamahal din sa pagsusulat. Nabigyan ako ang pagkakataong sumulat muli. Masaya akong makasama ang mga taong palaging may masasabi sa mga nangyayari sa paligid at mahusay na magsasaliksik upang makagawa at makasulat ng magandang piyesa.

[The Women of Aleitheia] Nang sumali ako sa isang sorority, maraming nagsabing hindi ako iyong tipong sasali sa isang sisterhood. Nagsimula akong hindi batid kung ano ba talaga iyong pinasok ko. Sa pagiging bahagi ng The Women of Aleitheia, masaya akong magkaroon ng mga “sisters” na palaging nariyan kapag kailangan ko ng tulong at palaging umuunawa sa aking kalagayan. Lubos akong nagpapasalamat sa Batch Beryl. Salamat sa pagkakaibigan, Gay, Mars, Rax, Becky!

Pagpapahalaga sa Sarili

Hindi maikakailang nangangailangan ng pagpapahalaga ang sarili. Bagaman mayroong kakulangan, nagpapasalamat akong maging malay sa aking kakayahan at limitasyon. Natutuwa akong patuloy na magkaroon ng sagot sa tanong na, “Para kanino ka bumabangon?” Hango sa isang patalastas sa telebisyon ang tanong na iyan. Mula noon, isinapuso at isinaisip kong dapat mayroong dahilan at kahulugan ang aking pag-iral – iyong kahulugang pinaniniwalaan kong “nariyan” sa kabila ng minsanang hindi pagkaramdam o pagkabatid kung ano ba iyong kahulugan.

Nariyan ang pagpapahalaga sa buhay sapagkat ito ang nagbibigay-pagkakataon sa sarili upang umiral. Ito ang nagbibigay-pagkakataong dumanas – masaya o masakit man. Ito ang nagbibigay-pagkakataong umunawa o pilit na maghanap ng sagot kung bakit walang pag-unawa. Sa pagpapahalaga sa sarili, patuloy kong binibigyang-buhay ang katagang hango sa pilosopiya ni Gabriel Marcel: Ang sarili ay hiwaga, pasya at biyaya.

Tatapusin ko aking panulat sa pamamagitan ng mga paumanhin.

1.      Paumanhin kung sakaling hindi ko nabigyang-katarungan ang mga biyaya ng taong 2012 sa pamamagitan ng maikling artikulong aking inilathala sa aking “blog.”

2.      Paumanhin kung kinakalawang na ang aking Filipino. Patuloy kong magiging inang-wika ang Filipino subalit tila nawalan ako ng oras upang magbasa at sumulat upang mapaghusayan ang aking kakayahan.

SALAMAT 2012!

Overused Parentheses

Titled it "Overused Parentheses" upon realizing that I have used a bunch of them. Post is about mixed emotions, random thoughts on my 2012. 

On Letting Go

Last summer, I received one of the greatest news in my life. I got a scholarship in Europe. It covers all expenses for an exchange program: tuition, visa, roundtrip fare, allowance of 1000 euros/month for six months. I was elated by the news. Europe was (and still is) a dream. Friends who were under the same scholarship for previous batches said that the allowance was more than enough for me to be able to visit several (around 6) more countries in Europe aside from the country of my host university. I have never gone abroad because of financial constraints. I finally got the opportunity but I had to let it go (for law school?) Well until now, I am not sure if I have made the right decision (because I could have just easily filed for a LOA and just come back after a school year). I could have seen my first experience of snow, or smelled my first encounter with spring. I could have celebrated Christmas and New Year abroad (for the first time).

On Moving On

Finally, I can say it: I have moved on from an old love. I also said it last year (Well, yes, it took me two years to move on from a heartbreak brought by a person I was not even in a relationship with). But this time, I am 99.99% sure I would not have to repeat the same statement again. Pathetic how one could feel so terribly in love with someone who was not in love with her. But I think it’s also courageous to have been hurt like hell and still manage to believe (and expect) someone would actually come (and never leave). After all (as what a good friend of mine told me), I was breaking my own heart. It took me two years to realize how undeserved such feeling was.

On Saying Yes to the Universe

Felt inspired to jot down some notes about 2012, because I had a great Christmas Party with Block A last night. I felt so happy (which was somehow unexpected because I never felt like we really belong to the block we transferred in). I just felt so thankful to realize that all this time, I have been surrounded by awesome people. It was just that I did not take the chance of widening my comfort zone (with the fear that I might risk feeling unwelcome again). “Say yes to the universe,” is a line I got from one speaker in college. I think for quite sometime (a semester), I failed to say yes to the unending call of the universe (to try to mingle with other people and see the good things in every person I meet). I would not deny I’ve had bad (slightly painful) moments with this school year. But nothing should ever be left unforgiven or unforgotten. I promise to start my 2013, feeling happy, loving the people I am with, every single day. 

On Finding Someone I Hope Has Also Found Me (or will find me soon)

Finding someone is one thing. Actually putting yourself at stake is another. It feels good to have living affirmations that “ideal” (relative term) guys still exist. One would feel hopeful and happy to find such kind. But one does not just put the self at stake for every ideal guy she meets (in addition to the fact that there's just few of them). It has to have the effect of the ideal guy also putting himself at stake. (Un)fortunately, 2012 is a year I found someone (who probably is yet to find me). Sometimes, I feel like it may be as hasty as 123 (knowing someone à that someone also knowing me à feeling like you could put the self at stake à waiting for something mutual to prosper). The last step is the hardest thing to get. You could analyze and overthink everything but you can’t work on an inception for mutuality to commence. 

PS: Because whenever I start to talk about the last topic, I begin to sound without any sense. 

Not Without My Daughter, 1991

"WE'RE HOME, BABY. WE'RE HOME." This is the last line uttered by Betty upon seeing the American embassy after a risky escape from Iran. This is a film mentioned by Dean Sed on first day of our PIL class. (Well, I really take down quotable quotes, film names, book names, poems that are mentioned by professors and people I look up to, in general. I was crying half of the time. Too much emotions in a film: betrayal, hopelessness, anger, hatred. 

I thought I have just met the man I hate the most  (Moody, in this film). There were lines which would occasionally trigger semi-violent reactions like:

It took her quite some time before she understood how to be a good wife.

I watched it 11pm-1am and kept on thinking about it until around 3am, before I was able to sleep. Upon waking up, I decided to research on the background of the film. Well, I usually research about a film or a book after I have seen or read it, because if I research before watching or reading, my mind may be prejudiced and unable to differentiate my appreciation of the art from other people's views. The film has several negative reviews and criticisms. Some, because it was racist and prejudiced and revealed the bad side of Iran and Iranians from only one perspective. Some called it a bad art because it was just coming from the point of view of Betty.

I don't see it as necessarily a bad art just because it merely showed Betty's view on events. Firstly, it is understood by the audience that it is Betty's version. Secondly, racist and prejudiced films do not equate to bad art (What if the intention is really to portray a racist version, as seen by an American? In that way, that will be a good art because the film was able to convey the emotions and even anger against the other party.) I am not saying I believed everything the film showed. That would be futile: believing as real a fiction (artistic work) which happened to be based on a true story. Of course, there are scenes that were products of the fictional mind.

The film depicts how love, courage, strength and hope can triumph against all odds. I felt for Betty when she felt like Moody betrayed her (in not telling her that he really intended them to live in Iran). I felt for her when she had to battle against everything for the sake of herself and her daughter. I know it may sound un-empowered, but I still think one of the worst feelings a woman can feel is when her husband whom she has always loved and trusted (from whom she equally received love and trust) changed all of sudden - including occasional physical and emotional violence. She would have felt extremely hopeless in a foreign place with almost no one to understand her predicaments. In addition to all the negative circumstances, she had to be a source of strength for her daughter. I love the courage of this woman who fought for what she wanted.

PS: There is a documentary released as a response to this film. The title is Without my Daughter. This is a version of Moody's side. There is also a book written by Moody. The title is Lost Without my Daughter.

Gambling with Time (and Space)

So, it’s the birthday of one of the most important friends I have. But I’m left with a general greeting of “Happy birthday. God bless you,” because I don’t feel it’s legit to give a long and melodramatic message when we haven’t really talked since May. I did something wrong – really wrong. And I just can't find the right words to explain myself because there really are no words to justify what I did. So here I am, gambling with time (and space), after having said the general words and phrases which basically meant, “I was sorry,” which of course, was not enough. Feels bad how to easily mess up with one decision – like, “I’m too tired. I don’t have time.” And regret for half a year… and counting. And yes, here I am gambling with time (and space), thinking time heals? It did, before. It should, now. But what I really need is not the general rule “time heals.” I need to heal – i.e. make myself less regretful, make the not-talking-with-each-other less painful. But more than anything else, I want to have my friend back. (Actually, there are two of them. And I want them back) But how do I justify something that cannot be justified – something which, had I been the aggrieved party, I would never have forgiven, myself?  But, here I am, gambling with time (and space). HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, H!!! 

Apologies, Freedom, Love

A guy does not become a girl’s just because she fenced him. Freedom of the self to love (and choose) entails freedom of the other to love (and choose). This is not saying that love will merely be mutual choice or convergence between two persons’ freedom. Love should be more than that, but it surely should start with mutual respect of the other’s freedom. One cannot just impose love and expect to be loved in return. This is still not saying that love should always be reciprocal. There will always be questions on whether sacrificial love and unrequited love fall under the general definition of “love.” But that really depends on a person’s definition of love. However, it is certain that it should not be a question of who flings better or uses chains and fences more.

A person can only do so much in making his choice and hope for the best that the other will also choose him. It should not be too regulated nor too framed to limit the options of the other. One can make decisions and revisions to improve the self or even exert efforts to alleviate the chances of being chosen. However, things are different if emotions of other people (aside from the self and the initial other) are already involved. If the other chosen by the self has another, even before the self came in, the self should be able to recognize that. In a way, this could be seen as a threat to the self’s freedom. The freedom of the other can in a way preclude the self from exercising its absolute freedom. But that is life. There should always be recognition that spatio-temporal motions are governed by the limitedness of being. The goal should be to transcend in spite of one’s historicity, and to transcend without limiting another’s right to also transcend.

The presence of the other’s another does not mean that the self’s hope should dry up. Hope does not end there. But love is not about a competition, nor is it a question of who wins or who loses. Bottomline is that the self should know how to respect the feelings of others (in this sense, the another). Of if the self has unconsciously failed to respect emotions of others (in this sense, the another), he should know how to apologize and change the structure of things from the very moment he realized his “mistakes.” Mistakes in quotations because the “wrong” done should not be considered as wrongs and mistakes in the real sense. The self cannot be blamed, even for things hastily done for the mere reason of overexercising the freedom to choose.

Apologies are never too late, especially when they are due, even after damage is done. 

Been Posting Crap Nowadays

Realization of the day: I still suck at news writing. I did not really feel bad about it. It was just weird that my writing style has not improved since (insert time immemorial here). I need training to write good news stories. Well, I have had a lot of trainings on news writing but the only thing I know is that the lead should contain the 5Ws and H. However, I could not seem to be able to really apply it when I write (even when I think I have applied the rule).

Another realization of the day: Regarding (code), if it is going to come, it will come. I think I have preoccupied myself too much of thinking about getting this (code) that I forgot there are more important things in life. Well, I have been happy and productive the past weeks but I could not deny that I really focused too much on (code), to the point that I can relate almost (literally) everything to (code). This is not a good thing. I have been probably moving way too fast when I should have not moved at all, all for the sake of this (code). Now, I should go back to what I am here for: I need to be a student (diligent student in that matter). I do not know what to do with (code). Not really sure if moving or not moving would be the right thing to do. Well at least, it is not a case of "damn if i do, damn if i don't." It's I think more of the fact that I am afraid of doing something for (code) and having negative (even painful) consequences, very painful I could not even say the word for (code).

Realization just now: Should I be bothered that I am seeing (code) more as possible source of negative and painful consequences than possible source of happiness and inspiration as many people see (code) as such?

What I am Sure of: Code (aka College Senior Year version in Law School) is so not going to happen. Code should be different. But I do not know if I should be "working" on it or even "entertaining" the possibility of it.  Also, I will never be caught unprepared for class (I also do not know if I can do it).

It's Not Waiting for Godot

Writing a blog once more because I need to be writing many things: for my org and for work and feels like I want to write about personal reflections first.

First: I am thankful I have been generally happy these past weeks. Much happier than last semester. I started the semester right. I am more diligent now. I am more active with my organizations. I work more (because I have to earn more). And, I sleep less. I am usually in school before 7AM. I study after class everyday (Last sem, I used to study for a maximum of an hour after class. I used to not do anything with the rest of the afternoon/night and cram my ass off the next morning). I am more tired though but I am happy doing the things I love – working for a good cause, writing (and bringing back the old dream of wanting to become a broadcast journalist had I not have the defect of pronouncing the letter “R” and had I been a pretty woman walking down the street).

Second: I am thankful I am surrounded now by extremely inspiring (in their own ways) people. I have good and loving friends. I have caring sisters. I met relatively more new faces these past weeks. And they are all awesome! I just met Atty. Chochoi Medina tonight. His ‘speech’ made me cry (a lot), even if I’ve never known him personally. It feels so touching to see a man, recovering, who could barely speak, and still manage to give words of kindness, passion and love for the Ateneo Human Rights Center. Great man!

Third: I am thankful I found a new inspiration to help me read the extra page, study the extra hour, use the extra highlighter. It is not going somewhere but that’s fine. Inspiration comes in many ways.

Fourth (or Third Part B): I am thankful I still have the courage to wait and believe true love exists. I am thankful I still have the faith there is someone to play the role of a permanent life’s inspiration. It’s gonna come.

*random thoughts my mind thinks tonight* 

Thank YOU!!!

On living a life that is about bearing the unbearable “in spite of and with hope.” On life that is having to deal with thorns for the sake of saving precious petals. That pain and fear always get defeated by courage and love. 

I am writing this because I had a happy week that I almost forgot how I made it. I feel thankful to still be in school pursuing something I have always dreamed of (which I thought was impossible given certain constraints). I feel triumphant for having endured a tough (not just academically but emotionally) semester, with and without the people who inspire me most, with the people who pulled me down and judged me like I have never been judged all my life. Tough semester, it was tough.

I am writing this because I would love to express my gratitude (in writing) to the people who served as my strength to continuously strive (and who would have been my strength had I not made it).

Because I really miss you, Joyce. Thank you for being such an awesome friend. Thank you for helping me get through with everything – from being a constant companion, to a thoughtful blockmate, to the person who would spend some bucks to treat me to dinners after terrible ObliCon and other classes when I would not have sufficient funds to buy myself food (HAHA that poor my being broke goes down to that level). Thank you for letting me sleep over your place. You are so awesome there is nothing I would not give to have you back.  I miss you everyday though sometimes I try to forget. Unbelievable how I had freshman nights when I could count  the number of times I would go home alone, and have sophomore afternoons when I could count the number of times I would go home with someone. It is a bit painful experience to go in and out of Plant’s door without a friend in front or behind me.

Because I also miss you Maxine. Thank you so much for always having words of wisdom and optimism you always share with us. I am not a touchy person (I hate people giving me hugs, actually) but your hug is one of those hugs I would never resist. I love you for always sharing with us everything and for introducing us to your wonderful family. Thank you for always inspiring us to do our best no matter what. Thank you for believing I would make it through last semester when I was ready to find impossible ways of explaining how I (would have been not able to make it).

I think this is the only picture that we are complete. But thank you. I will forever love you: for being always there; for having been the friends who were there when I first burst law school tears.

To my dearest friends and/or sisters whom I spend most of my time with, Ate Hye, Gay, Febs. Thank you Ate Hye for being such a nice person. You are one of the nicest people I have ever met. [Salamat talaga Ate Hye sa pagiging napakabuting kaibigan “in spite of.”] Thank you Gay for being like my bestfriend in law school. Thank you Febs for being a good friend and a source of laughter when everyone else is down. Let us be POWER FOUR 2012 [And we can have Operation SP Sneak Peek on TTh until our fourth year, if you know what I mean HAHAHA] Pardon me for writing such an emo post tonight [wala kasing PIL readings eh]

Thank you for the friendship even if we are already “apart,” Ate Con, Al, Richard, Chanchan, Franz, Edward, Joter, Bernz, Pau, etc.Thank you for listening to endless rants.

I am forever grateful to accommodating and friendly people who would extend help to me/us whenever they see that I/we need help from them. You made a tough semester bearable.

*  Blogging because I have no readings for tomorrow and I have time.

How I Hate Breaks and How I Love Them When They are Well Spent

I am not a fan of breaks – by breaks, I mean, semestral breaks, holiday breaks, and summer breaks. For one, breaks would mean having to bear with moments of not doing anything. Of course it would sound so boring for people who get to spend breaks abroad or vacation all over different islands in the Philippines. However, I belong to those people who do not really have sufficient funds to book flights, the moment they hear from the news, a long weekend or a holiday. In fact, not being a fan of vacation, the bottom line of all my goals back in college is this: I do not want to bum around. I would do anything for the sake of not bumming around. Fortunately, I had a job waiting even before graduation day.

I usually spend my breaks at home. I love spending time with my family but I do not really enjoy a month of break, without doing anything productive. One month is simply too long. Back in college, my semestral breaks and summer breaks were jampacked with seminars and other extracurricular activities. I made it a point to look for something to do during the break, at least a month before the break starts. It was insane I felt a bit paranoid with the thought of staring at the wall, thinking what to do next after several hours of not doing anything.

Things turned a bit different in law school. I would crave for breaks in the middle of the day, in the middle of a week, in the middle of everything. However, law school did not really turn me into a break-lover. Amazingly, I often get bored the first day I have my real freedom from a tough semester– i.e. after the last final exam. I would crave for actions, which does not necessarily mean that my hands were itching to hold highlighters back to my hand and read law school books. I realized things did not totally change. I am still the person who loathes breaks.

True to my usual self, a month before last semester ends, I applied for an internship program in the Ateneo Human Rights Center. I really wanted to get in for four reasons:

1.       I really wanted to be part of it because of the programs and advocacy.
2.       This is the closest thing to my college organization, in terms of vision-mission.
3.       I wanted to meet new friends.
4.       Last but not the least, I did not want to bum around.

The fourth one of wanting to do something productive without bumming around was almost 100% true. When I got in to the internship program and started with the activities related to it, I noticed that there were activities after activities. I found it fun although tiring. We had breaks, yes, which ranged from 2 to 10 minutes. At the very least, my criterion of not bumming around was satisfied.

But more to that, I also had my three other goals fulfilled. I would not discuss my numbers 1 and 2 here as they would be better part of another piece.

Number 3 says I wanted to meet new friends. AND I DID. My batch (we named it BULAN; which means moon) is composed of 9 of the most awesome people I have ever met in law school. I love meeting people who share the same passion as I do. I also met friends from upper batch. They were our facilitators. It feels inspiring enough to see how one person works hard for his success but it feels even more inspiring to see these facilitators work their best for the benefit of our batch. I could not have been more thankful. I saw the passion in the lawyers who were with us - the passion to serve and the genuine happiness shown by their actions. It was overwhelming. No wonder, people from the AHRC call the internship/immersion program as “kakaibang bakasyon.” This immersion experience made me learn that breaks can be loved and looked forward to.

Thanks Pau! You are an awesome friend!

Thanks Kiichi, my immersion partner! I will forever love you and I am always here for you, whatever!!!

Thank you to every person who were there with me and touched my heart. I just found a new inspiration to really do my best to make it until... (insert any desired telos here) =))

All pictures are (c) Jason Hernandez :) 

PS: More awesome and inspiring stories to come This one is poorly written but I felt it a sin not to post a single thing after what, 3 days? :))  <3 J

17 September 2012

THANK YOU LORD! I feel very grateful to have a very supportive and loving family. Thankful to have the best of friends (and sisters) I could ever have. The past days have been really tiring but very fulfilling. 

Sep. 15: Early in school for AHRC. My experience with the AHRC made me feel more inspired to continue my career path with the legal profession. I met great speakers, facilitators, lawyers, and of course, my batchmates. I could have joined a writing contest then but I had to attend my classes.

It was also the ACET day for my brother. My birthday wishes, two things: I hope I keep my scholarship. I hope my brother also gets to pass with a scholarship in Ateneo. I spent the night with my family for a dinner. 

Sep. 16: Early in Ateneo (Katipunan) for ACET. I spent the entire day there. I was able to be with good friends: Tresa and Hans. I was able to see the OAA team (the people behind my college scholarship). I will forever love them. I attended the mass at the Church of the Gesu. There, I met Eduard and Phil. I was so glad to see them. I really wanted to tell Phil "good luck" in person because he will be taking the Chem boards tomorrow!

TODAY: I had fun today. I thank the people who greeted me today - friends, blockmates, sisters, professors, teachers, acquaintances <3 TWO DECADES AND TWO DAYS, BABYYYYYYY :P

Thank you Lord, for awesome Beryl sisters <3 They gave me a cake right after a very stressful class :))

On a random note: I am bothered that my growing up is one that outgrows the things I insanely liked. 

Blogging for the sake of blogging my 22nd birthday :D [note: raining cats and dogs outside. i've just heard the loudest and seen the scariest lightning outside]

Traffic Lights

The jeepney I was riding was on a rush, trying to beat the traffic light as it shone like a golden full moon in spite of the sun. It did not make it. It had to suddenly stop when the traffic light turned from yellow to red. The sudden halt resulted to the effects of inertia, I almost fell to my seat. Upon gaining my consciousness from the mini-second state of shock by the turning to zero of the vehicle’s speed, I saw a van moving from the opposite side of the street. It was a peculiar sight, notwithstanding the fact that it was just a van among many others, probably 10 vans at that instant. This van opened its window and threw a “bottle” and a roll of tissue. I wondered why. Then I saw a man who had a minor accident with a motorcycle. From what I saw, I could infer that he just stood up from the ground. His right palm was bleeding. He picked up the alcohol bottle and the tissue paper on the road. He immediately wrapped his hand with the tissue to stop it from bleeding. He placed the alcohol inside his backpack. He positioned his motorcycle, ready to run the moment the traffic light turns to green. I kept on wondering how bad it felt to drive a motorcycle with a wounded right hand. If the man was right-handed (which was more likely to be true) I bet it was even difficult for the man to ask for help or contact any family member because he would not be able to text with a bleeding palm. I felt for the man while holding my own right palm and trying to imagine, while listening to the jeepney driver as he delivered his litany of comments on how motorcycle drivers should always be careful. The person occupying the passenger seat even said“Ang tanga kasi eh alam na titigil na [referring to the traffic light] at paliko pa.” We were bystanders. I was a bystander listening to the people standing by while another person was trying to defy the bystander effect. I admired the person who instantly cared and provided alcohol and tissue paper. Admirable is that person who had the instinct to help in a short span of time as the changing of the color of the traffic light from one to another. The person tried to help as he rode a moving van, moving away – an actual manifestation that only motion in the literal sense [or action in the ideal sense] can defy the bystander effect. Amazing how instinctual it gets to start the engine upon seeing the green while a person can be stuck at the red when help is needed, or at the yellow or the state when one is indecisively undecided what to do. Traffic light turned to green. The motorcycle moved ahead of the jeepney. The jeepney then moved, as if nothing happened.

 

Game Over

How to like and unlike a person because of a single line he/she makes? Not being judgmental but seriously? You can talk about a computer game and tell stories on who you played it with (or thank God I did not reply you could have invited me to play with you and I could have replied something rude?) Nothing is wrong given a usual day-to-day situation. But hell no, most of the streets were already flooded. The rain was still hard. Some people died (and some were probably dying) and you were talking about a computer game. I would (somehow) be bothered by people talking about academic requirements (but that was forgivable since acads = work, it should not stop) but your computer gameeee? :O Well, nothing wrong really if you were playing but please, I get a bit irritated getting random messages about computer games when I am thinking about something else. Or probably I am also the one to blame for being online (but not everyone who is online is really game to play computer games when there is a storm. they probably have another reason). No offense, but please!

Most heartbreaking [and but] inspiring stories happen on the streets

Most heartbreaking [and/but]  inspiring stories happen on the streets. I was on a jeepney, texting my blockmate about my bluebook requests when the vehicle passed by PGH. A guy, about fifteen years old, who could hardly walk got inside the jeepney. He could barely open his eyes and he continuously held his handkerchief to cover his nose and mouth. After him, three men of his company got in, each of them carrying a big bag. The fiteen-year old boy was seated, still looking weak.

I had no idea what he was suffering (suffered) from. He probably took an operation or other medical treatments. I got off the jeepney when it reached my destination, Pedro Gil. I felt sad with what I saw. I wondered why a guy so weak who could barely move, with three men (probably one, his father and the other two his older brothers) carrying heavy bags had to take the public transportation?

I first asked this question several months ago. I believe it was a –ber month. It was already 7:30pm. It was raining hard. I reached Recto Station of LRT-2 and saw a young couple with a newly born baby who were having their bags checked before they can get entrance to the train station. The father was carrying the bag which most likely contained clothes from their stay in the hospital. The mother was holding the baby, trying to cover his entire body with tiny clothings and towels. “These are the people who deserved a car, or even a cab, for that matter,” I said to myself.

Well, these anecdotes happened before my eyes and left questions. I felt guilty of not having done anything. I did not know then how I could have helped (or if I should have helped). At the back of my mind were piecemeal solutions – they deserved to take the cab.

Blackening Silver Screens

According to Internet Movie Database of 2003, 63.1% households in the Philippines have televisions. After sharing a bountiful dinner, a Filipino family would stay in the living room to watch prime time TV shows and spend the weekends in a movie house. The underground economy continues to grow because of the sale of pirated DVDs which is prevalent on the busy streets of the metro. Generally, Filipinos have easy access to broadcast media, like films and television shows. The media affects how people perceive things and may be able to shape a person's thoughts even without proper discernment. Because of the realization that media can affect how a person thinks about the world, several laws are passed to ensure that the media is regulated and public welfare is protected.

            In an attempt to protect the image of congressmen, Representative Aurelio Gonzales, Jr. proposed the passage of a bill to prohibit the typecasting of congressmen as villains and crooks in movies and television shows. House Resolution 2140, also known as Anti-Typecasting Bill has been criticized by professionals in the media industry because it is a curtailment of freedom of expression, which is a fundamental right granted by the constitution.  The Bill of Rights aims to protect the citizens from the state’s excessive use and abuse of its powers. One of the fundamental rights of an individual is freedom of expression. This is the constitutional mandate providing people the right to freely express their views and engage in mass media.

            On the other hand, in spite of the constitutional provision, the Congress also has a plenary legislative power. The Congress can create legislation that it thinks is appropriate to uphold public welfare. Police power of the state allows it to limit some rights of the citizens if such curtailment will be good for public welfare and public policy. Police power is an inherent power of the state which is present because of the state’s sovereignty.

            The proponent defends the bill by arguing that the portrayal of congressmen as crooks in movies damages the image of the profession. People who would see congressmen portrayed in movies as jueteng lords and goons who would beat another person until he bleeds to death, would likely think that these really happen in real life. If taken without proper discernment, the negative representations of congressmen may remain in the minds of the people which can make them subconsciously distrust the law makers.

            It can be inferred from the bill that it only covers congressmen and eliminates other public officers who are also vested with public trust. The exclusive coverage of the Anti-Typecasting Bill makes it a self-serving proposal. It is violative of the equal protection clause because it specifically protects the congressmen who legislate and leaves unprotected other public officers. On the other hand, if the coverage will become more inclusive, it will mean a stricter curtailment of the freedom of expression. A more inclusive coverage of the Anti-Typecasting Bill would surely be rebutted by producers, directors and actors who are forced to remain silent.

            In its current exclusive set-up, it has been criticized by directors and the head of MTRCB. The show business industry argued that negative portrayals of congressmen in movies also happen to other professions, like lawyers, doctors, teachers and engineers. The passing of the bill into law might create a precedent for other professions to demand the same. If this happens, the film and television industry would be limited to showing the positive, which is not really reflective of the imperfect society.

            Another way to look at it is that the Anti-Typecasting Bill only covers prohibition on works of fiction. It is not forbidden for broadcasters and journalists to report indecent and scandalous acts of legislators, even if these acts are direct threats to public welfare and against policy. The reporting of derogatory facts is a greater threat to the public perception of public officials than fictional accounts. The Anti-Typecasting Bill is an overly defensive and an escapist way of facing the issue. There should be a reasonable presumption that the households and individuals who have access to the media are capable of discernment in judging which shows are fictional and which are not. There is no need to blacken the silver screen.

The Other Face of the Lucrative

My dream to go beyond the self started as a childhood fascination with titles placed before names. My goal was to be called an “Atty.” I wanted to go to court, wear corporate clothes with a robe and firmly hold the gavel as if it was the world I absolutely owned.  I found it awesome to drive a car with “lawyer” on its plate. I knew that a judge held power and I thought that the possession of power was extremely important in a person’s existence. It was not until I was an active member of an organization in college that I realized there was more to becoming a lawyer than its lucrative representations.

In college, I was part of an organization-publication which was different from typical campus journalism because it catered to the marginal sectors of the society. I attended events to immerse myself with the experiences of vendors and daily wage workers. Some jeepney drivers worked for 14 hours but still went home with nothing after spending for gas and boundary. Boundary is the certain amount paid by drivers to the owners of the jeepneys they rent. I have walked with the Sumilao farmers with the firm belief that their efforts were leading somewhere just. These people owed the lawyers who helped them draft letters and negotiate with the legal issues of their aim. I wanted to become a lawyer and help the people victimized by laws twisted in a legal manner.

I plan to become a labor lawyer. I would be able to make a living while experiencing self-fulfilment with what I do. I could be an agent working on ripples of changes in the mismanaged legal system. Small positive changes are essential because the “Ms. Universe concept of world peace” is not created by a superhero and does not happen overnight. It is important to have a proactive and continuous movement towards a certain goal.

My quest to becoming a lawyer requires courage to face the daily struggles, especially when I had to give up things to dedicate more time to studying. Law school is not a walk in the park but it is a walk worth a stroll. Law school made me experience firsthand the tales of sleepless nights, state of nervousness during recitations, entire days spent reading books. I used to question the necessity of deprivation of the joys in life just because I wanted to do something noble. In spite of the inevitable challenges attached to pursuing a legal education, there is still the urge within me to continue taking up the subjects until I pass the bar.

As a young adult who has grown from too much idealism, I realized that nobility does not necessarily come with education. Academic degrees do not equate to more capability of alleviating the world’s condition. On the contrary, educational attainment has been used by some powerful people to corrupt more power and benefit themselves. In spite of the realization that I have been disillusioned by the profession I have always looked up to, I still find lawyering as my best way of going beyond to be of service to others.

by Frances Lipnica Pabilane

OF EYELINERS AND HIGHLIGHTERS

Nothing feels worse that being accused of trying to be someone you are not.

Eyes are the windows to the soul. I usually come to school without make-up. I do not even wear lip gloss to make my lips look “better.” I have reasons for not trying to dress up fashionably. For one, it is time consuming. Another reason is that it is expensive to go beyond the standard of coming to school with office attire. One school day, I decided to put some eyeliner on my eyes because I wanted to learn how to put it. To my dismay, a girl approached me and told me how I was trying to look Chinese, just because we both have a happy crush on a classmate who happened to have Chinese blood. I do not have anything against the Chinese race. In fact, I have friends who are Chinese and I love them. I look up to their culture and traditions and how they effectively and efficiently manage business. But in no way do I desire to look like one. They are pretty and handsome faces but I am born a Filipino. I should be happy with the natural features that God has given me. I have never attempted to look like someone else, not to attempt to attract a guy, not for any reason.

Color everywhere. I can certainly call myself a diligent student. Since grade school, I have always had this passion to learn and excel in whatever my teachers would ask me to do. There is an inherent hunger for knowledge within me. Back in college as a working student and a scholar, I managed my time so that I would still have the time to study. I believe my hard work was inspired by the fact that I did not want to settle for mediocrity and waste my precious time - spent, but not well spent. In law school, there is even more “pressure” to study hard. The class requirements are really demanding. I have to exert efforts to maintain my scholarship, to finish law school, to pass the bar, and to become a lawyer. The bigger picture would always be to become a lawyer with a heart someday. I have always loved the line from Bukas-Palad’s Pilgrim’s Theme, “To find a higher dream in the greater scheme of things.”

I believe I know myself (I should) but not everybody knows me well enough. In fact, it is not really significant to be known. However, it really annoys me when somebody else tries to pretend that he knows me well in a very different manner. Whenever this particular person sees me, she would always tell me that if the guy really likes me, I do not have to exert any effort to be noticed by him. I find it irritatingly absurd how another person could perceive my actions in a very unusual way – very strange that I have never even thought of it before. I am not studying to get good grades and please others. Granting for the sake of argument that I wanted to please other people, I would have tried pleasing my family, my scholarship benefactors and my friends who “matter.”

Why would I try to make a guy like me? I may like him (a bit) but it does not mean he should like me back. It does not mean I have to dedicate him all the strokes and colors of my highlighters in the hope that he would someday realize that all my sacrifices are dedicated to him. I am a firm believer that each person should act in as much as possible, rational manner. I just find it too irrational to make one’s life revolve around a single person. More so, I find it too illogical to judge another person that she is acting like one when in fact she does not.

I would possibly continue using different colors of highlighters to make my studying easier. However, I might opt not to use eyeliners often. Not because I do not want to be accused of trying to look Chinese but because having them on my eyes feels uncomfortable that I could not scratch my eyes. I can live with another person thinking about me in a different way. Even if it feels bad, I should be thankful for her time. Instead of flipping the pages of the Revised Penal Code, she found the time to fabricate stories that I spend the rest of my life trying to please a guy, with reasonable doubt of course. Probably, there is something worse than being accused of trying to be someone you are not. The worst thing is being victimized by someone’s projection and not being able to defend yourself. The worst feeling is being caught off guard merely because you have a tendency to look “too good to be true” and be afraid to burst out angry emotions and shout at the person’s face, “BAKA IKAW”- in Filipino, with all the sarcasm and pun intended.

A Day Like This Can Take Law School Heartaches Away

Today is a fairytale. I wore a dress. He wore a dark gray tshirt. No, I didn’t wear a dress nor did I get to see him (because I do not have a “him”). I am happy today because I was able to spend my unproductive day happily, as planned.

I spent half of the day with my Mom. We went to Supreme Court for her errands. After that, we enrolled my baby brother for a review for college entrance exams. God bless him in his review and upcoming exams next school year. I hope my brother would make it to a good university.

Nakausap ko ang ilan sa aking mga ka-Matanglawin. Sa pubroom, nakita ko sina Pao, Tricia, Rico, Fred, Marvin, Raph, Donald, Lorie, ka-Mata na nakilala ko noong anniversary ng Mata. Nakaka-miss ang PubRoom at MVP at kolehiyo. Nakausap ko rin ang tambalang Tricia-Rico nang pagabi na. Masarap ang hangin sa Ateneo. AT NAKAUSAP KO SA TELEPONO SINA JAKE AT JOANNE. Matanglawin day todayyyyy <3 <3 <3

I saw Pau and Paco in Rizal Library (which reminded me of law school duties hahaha). I was able to read 5 cases (which made my planned unproductive day a bit productive).

On my way home, there was a firework display near LRT station. Awesome. Awesome.



I started the day happy. I ended (mark 1) it happy.

It might have ended (mark 2) with myself feeling disturbed because of these:

Scenario 1:
KUYA JEEPNEY DRIVER (A): Saan ka sa Pedro Gil, sa may Paco simbahan?
Ako (B): Opo
A: Nagdedeliver ako ng tinapay doon. May bahay kayo roon?
B: Bakit po?
A: O boarding house lang? May mister ka na?
B: I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO REACT. I SAID I WAS A STUDENT. BUT DID I LOOK LIKE... never mind

Scenario 2: (naglalakad sa kahabaan ng Pedro Gil)
Mama sa kalsada: Ate, Miss, okay ka lang?
Ako (Nagiisip): OO OKAY LANG AKO. AT ASSUMING ARGUENDO NA HINDI AKO OKAY, ANONG PAKI MO?

Anyway, it was indeed a happy day. A day like this can take all law school heartaches (heartache type 1 and heartache type 2) away.