Overused Parentheses

Titled it "Overused Parentheses" upon realizing that I have used a bunch of them. Post is about mixed emotions, random thoughts on my 2012. 

On Letting Go

Last summer, I received one of the greatest news in my life. I got a scholarship in Europe. It covers all expenses for an exchange program: tuition, visa, roundtrip fare, allowance of 1000 euros/month for six months. I was elated by the news. Europe was (and still is) a dream. Friends who were under the same scholarship for previous batches said that the allowance was more than enough for me to be able to visit several (around 6) more countries in Europe aside from the country of my host university. I have never gone abroad because of financial constraints. I finally got the opportunity but I had to let it go (for law school?) Well until now, I am not sure if I have made the right decision (because I could have just easily filed for a LOA and just come back after a school year). I could have seen my first experience of snow, or smelled my first encounter with spring. I could have celebrated Christmas and New Year abroad (for the first time).

On Moving On

Finally, I can say it: I have moved on from an old love. I also said it last year (Well, yes, it took me two years to move on from a heartbreak brought by a person I was not even in a relationship with). But this time, I am 99.99% sure I would not have to repeat the same statement again. Pathetic how one could feel so terribly in love with someone who was not in love with her. But I think it’s also courageous to have been hurt like hell and still manage to believe (and expect) someone would actually come (and never leave). After all (as what a good friend of mine told me), I was breaking my own heart. It took me two years to realize how undeserved such feeling was.

On Saying Yes to the Universe

Felt inspired to jot down some notes about 2012, because I had a great Christmas Party with Block A last night. I felt so happy (which was somehow unexpected because I never felt like we really belong to the block we transferred in). I just felt so thankful to realize that all this time, I have been surrounded by awesome people. It was just that I did not take the chance of widening my comfort zone (with the fear that I might risk feeling unwelcome again). “Say yes to the universe,” is a line I got from one speaker in college. I think for quite sometime (a semester), I failed to say yes to the unending call of the universe (to try to mingle with other people and see the good things in every person I meet). I would not deny I’ve had bad (slightly painful) moments with this school year. But nothing should ever be left unforgiven or unforgotten. I promise to start my 2013, feeling happy, loving the people I am with, every single day. 

On Finding Someone I Hope Has Also Found Me (or will find me soon)

Finding someone is one thing. Actually putting yourself at stake is another. It feels good to have living affirmations that “ideal” (relative term) guys still exist. One would feel hopeful and happy to find such kind. But one does not just put the self at stake for every ideal guy she meets (in addition to the fact that there's just few of them). It has to have the effect of the ideal guy also putting himself at stake. (Un)fortunately, 2012 is a year I found someone (who probably is yet to find me). Sometimes, I feel like it may be as hasty as 123 (knowing someone à that someone also knowing me à feeling like you could put the self at stake à waiting for something mutual to prosper). The last step is the hardest thing to get. You could analyze and overthink everything but you can’t work on an inception for mutuality to commence. 

PS: Because whenever I start to talk about the last topic, I begin to sound without any sense.