Of Paris and Tomorrow

“There is never ending to Paris and the memory of each person who has lived in it different from that of any other. We always returned to it no matter who we were or how it was changed or with what difficulties or else, it could be reached. Paris was always worth it and you received return for whatever you brought it. But this is how Paris was in the early days when we were poor and very happy.” – Ernest Hemingway

My name is Frances. I’ve never been to France. I took up Bachelor of Arts in European Studies. I’ve never been to Europe.  A Moveable Feast was mentioned by Atty. Rubén Balane, my professor in Succession, after having a small conversation in French. With my inclination to reading novels and the fact that it was about and by Hemingway, mostly set in France, I decided to read it. The travel and life stories inspired me and reminded me of my dream to someday have my own cliché photographs while posing outside Louvre or touring Paris on a bicycle.

My “French dream” started five years ago, as a sophomore college student, when I struggled pronouncing the words of a Romance language, that has always sounded like a hybrid of French and my provincial accents. The language captivated me. It was an amazing experience. I felt my tongue moving in ways it was not used to. I heard myself uttering phrases my ears were not used listening to. French vocabulary introduced me to syllables that ought to be nasal – a phenomenon seldom (if not never) used in English or Filipino. The language introduced me to a new world, to borrow a description often mentioned by my Philosophy professor, who is now in France.

With my love for the language, I started exploring other French materials I could access. I watched French films and up until now, count some French movies as some of my favourite (Jeux d’Enfants, L’Appartement). I am thrilled whenever I listen to different versions of La Vie en Rose. I read the The Little Prince in French even if I didn’t really understand, though I memorized the line, “Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.” For a year, I visited lefigaro.fr and read at least an article a day – “It would help me to gain fluency of the language,” I told myself.

Two years ago, I was awarded an exchange scholarship in a European university, two countries away from France. The stipend award was good – former scholars encouraged me to go and assured me that I will certainly be able to visit France. They even recommended cheap ways to travel. The feeling was magically promising – I would be able to study in a foreign university, mingle with students who speak a different language, eat foreign food on a regular basis, and travel! Unfortunately, I had to say “No” for three reasons. First, I was already in law school and would be delayed a year had I chosen to go to Europe. Second, I did not get my parents’ approval. It would have been the very first stamp on my passport. The thought excited me, more than it feared me (if there was fear at all). Third, the processing of papers would have entailed me to advance funds and I did not have the funds. I had two weeks to decide. After discernment, France was again half the world away when it could have been moved nearer by the scholarship. That decision turned  me into a more diligent student, thinking that one way or another, “myself several years from now” would not regret that worst decision when I was in my 20s – saying “No” to Europe, saying “No” to France.

It pains me – how France is not at most five years away. No one can predict tomorrow with precise accuracy but I don’t think I’d be financially capable of travelling to Europe in the next five years. And the thought breaks my heart – that I’ll never have a profile picture with the Eiffel Tower as background, that I’ll never take walks along Parisian aisles in the near future. I get an automatic sigh of disgust realizing that it’ll take “more” years for me to munch on cheese and drink some wine in the place where the concept of “wine and cheese” originated from – “more” years than my utmost desire for it could ever imagine.

While in law school, I know stories of good students being awarded educational scholarships and invitations to conferences abroad. Some lawyers who have been practicing for years would even say “No” to a trip if given the choice, because consecutive business trips tire them. It gives me a sense of hope that while fulfilling my dream of serving the country as an advocate of justice, I would also be able to fulfil another dream I cultivated for years – going to France, studying there and meeting new people. I have always aspired meeting the world outside the Philippines. I want to personally experience the binary opposites of domestic and international. I want to know how White Christmas feels like. I want to experience what a good friend told me: They toured in Czech and had to shower on one of the fountains because the summer heat was unbearable. I want to touch autumn-colored leaves and smell spring. I have always imagined that spring would smell like heaven – from my evaluation of pictures.

Visiting airplane sites to check on airfares to Europe discourages me. Calculating on how much it costs to check in to a European hotel sometimes makes me feel like it is a desperate dream and I should not even consider it in the next few years. But, when I was four, I thought going to grade school at seven, meant several light years away. My seven year old self did not even believe I could go to college, seeing the pile of around six textbooks for Grade 1 students. Six textbooks felt like impossible to finish but “impossible” things happen in time, with a willing and courageous heart.

Will I ever be able to visit France? Yes. Pas encore mais je suis en train d’attendre. When that happens, I will surely take cliché pictures and put them inside my car, in my room, inside my wallet, on my office desk and every place significant to my heart. As Hemingway puts it, “Paris is a moveable feast.”

Listen!

I could not find a better term than “unlucky” to have spent seven hours studying for a subject just to space out upon hearing the first question – not understanding what the question was (and not having the chance to hear it again so I could answer).[1] I probably spaced out because I was trying to recall the cases[2] under the provision that I read or trying to figure out my mind map on how to explain the provision without even listening to what my professor had to say. I was “unlucky” to be the start of the series of unfortunate events to my blockmates[3] who were likewise asked to sit down after saying a phrase.  After being scolded for “not listening,” the professor reiterated how everyone should listen. While sitting on my seat (from the moment my professor asked me to sit down and possibly wrote a low grade on my card), I realized how unwise it was to delve into the past (what I read the entire day) or the future (what my professor might ask me) without even giving attention to my present (professor was talking, I needed to listen).

I am reminded today of the French verbs: “ecouter” and “entendre”[4] Today is probably the best personal and concrete example I could think of to illustrate how hearing is different from listening. I believe hearing would always be present (as long as a person has his ears functioning), but not everyone who hears, listens. Every time I am unable to give a good answer to my recitation, my perpetual mantra would be: I should never be called unprepared[5] again. Of course, it will not always be the case. There will always be “unlucky” days. I added a new one today, I will never be called “not listening” again. Because it’s embarrassing to the professor[6], to my blockmates[7], and to myself.[8]

---

[1] I don’t know. I was actually also surprised how I “forgot” what he was telling about the provision that I have just read. My state of mind (as far as I remember) was that I was so clueless and lost when I heard him render his sentence with a “questioning” tone and that I did not have something in mind “to answer” the “question” I was not sure I “heard.” (or better yet, understood)

[2] I was thinking he would ask me on the cases I might recite on. Yes, I remember that.

[3] People were asked to sit down because “they could not answer” But more of, because I created bad vibes and the professor was less tolerant to slightly incorrect answers.

[4] Because I also had some #throwbackfrenchday today.

[5] God knows I was prepared today.

[6] Because the professor (every person) deserves to be listened to.

[7] Because I do not want to create a domino effect ever. I felt really bad for my blockmates who were equally prepared.

[8] Yes, things meant trash because my hearing was not processed to listening. 

25 May 2013: Nostalgia

Two girls in ADMU: Miss saan ang Escaler Hall?
Me: Gladly taught them the directions (aww feeling student pa rin and Infodesk volunteer)

I spent the day with two VIPs from college: 1) Lunch with my college benefactor at Conti's Greenbelt; 2) Dinner with a good friend at Flaming Wings Katipunan. I am really glad to meet them on the same day, a week before I go back to the battle ground  (law school).

I visited Ateneo Loyola Schools. It still felt like home. I had to wait for my friend so I spent an hour and a half walking around the campus (yes, alone and I loved it). Nostalgia + Silence + Solitude. 

Zen Garden. This will forever be a favorite place. The 'distinct' feeling walking on it. With the site of MVP (favorite building) and OAA (favorite office) 

St. Thomas More, patron saint of lawyers.

Church of the Gesu. Today (May 25, 2013) the Send-off mass for JVP was held there. 

For some weird reason I can't upload more pictures </3

Identity Thief (2013)

"I knew you weren't going to turn me in." 

I recently worked on an academic paper about Identity Theft for my online work. In addition to this, Intellectual Property (as a field of law) is one of the things I fell in love with this summer. Needless to say now that the movie "Identity Thief" (2013) caught my attention by merely seeing its title. 

For the first few minutes of the movie, I felt really pissed with the lead female character. She has this way of living her life without any feeling of guilt or repentance for what she has been doing - stealing identity of people. I sympathized with the male character as he was about to lose his job. However, I also got annoyed by his apparent physical 'weakness' which was I think, an attempt of the movie to add some humor in it. 

I ended up liking the film after I watched it in its entirety. It presents something that is contemporary and major issue in the globalizing world. The good thing I liked with this movie is that in spite of the seriousness of the theme - criminal liabilities, job at stake, financial distress, it was able to add humor to various scenes. It was also able to focus on themes that appeal to human emotions - love for family and friendship. 

Movie Reflections

These are compilations of movie reflections I wrote for History 18.2 (Academic Year 2008-2009) under Sir Jo-Ed Tirol. I've been trying to look for them so I will know how I wrote back then. I finally found them on my Yahoo Mail because I did not have my own laptop until sophomore college. I used my email to save files and typed at the computer lab. PS: Back then, I insanely looked forward to new films to write about. I kinda loved reflecting then. All-time favorite line from Emperor's Club: The worth of a life is not determined by a single failure or a solitary success.

EUROPA, EUROPA

Memory is often associated to the brain. It is usually an indicator for physical wellness. People who are detailed in recalling past events are commended for having good memory. However, the greatness of memory does not linger on the rote aspect of facts and cannot be quantified by simply long or short term. Memory’s value includes not just stories the teller remembers and thus may tell, but also goes beyond the superficial- actions, reactions and inactions that a person exhibits consciously or subconsciously, as influenced by memory. This abstract term may be catalyst for the exposition of either of the opposing verbs- remember or forget, stop or go, live or die. Since memory digs from a reservoir of both personal and collective experiences (willingly made or unintentionally and regretfully acquired), recognition of memory has a tendency to emancipate a wide range of emotions- happiness, despair, gratitude, misery.

Europa Europa discusses a sensitive issue about the Jews and the Holocaust. In addition to showing an historic event, the movie becomes more intriguing as the story portrayed is coming from the memory of a Jew with the narration of Solomon Perel. Being the victims of the ‘final solution’, there is a normal tendency for the Jews to remember in despair. Had the movie been made from Adolf Hitler’s perspective, the memory would have had a different tone- that of fulfillment for successfully eliminating the inferior race.

The initial approach towards memory is to remember. A person may opt to partially forget but prior to this action is firstly, to remember. We despair because we remember. If taken the other way around, “Because we remember, we despair”, this already has a different connotation. This suggests that memory brings out negative emotions. This absolutely affirms the causal relationship between remembering and feeling despair, eliminating other possibilities. Remembrance brought by memory certainly has other effects, more than despair. Memory of triumph gives satisfaction and confidence to strive for more. On the other hand, Perel’s memory of defeat- death of loved ones and separation from them, intentionally uprooting himself from the Jewish community, gives pain. He was fortunate to have been strong enough to continue on living, with the living, for the sake of living despite of despair.

But because we remember, we have a choice of rejecting despair. This choice is not obligatory. Saying that rejecting despair is a duty is like adding insult to injury. While it is normal for human beings to repress what causes him pain and shame, this human nature is processed within an indefinite time. In contrast to duty that should be accomplished with strict compliance to rules, having a choice is subject to a person’s willingness and limitations of opting and doing things to come up with a desirable convergence- the goal to achieve. Upon making the choice of rejecting despair comes another dilemma wherein a person should pick an option again- the way in which despair may be rejected. Possibilities include a variety of actions from trying to forget, to facing life, to ending life, to finding hope. For Solomon Perel, he decided to face life and find hope.

Solomon Perel was urged with necessity to live a different life (having been a good communist while with the Russians and German hero while with the Germany’s side) for survival. Aware of his fellowmen’s mass death, starvation and suffering in the ghetto, pretending not to be a Jew is not an easy choice for Solomon Perel. While one may not completely remember (perfect memory), it is impossible to totally forget and deny the misery brought by sorrowful events. Memory cannot be altered by simply changing name, burying documents or pulling one’s skin to force fit into a criteria; especially if the person trying to do this can even remember the first physical manifestation of the sense of belongingness to the community- his circumcision.

Inventing the reasons to hope is essential because through hope, memory is perpetuated in a way that despair is not diminished but its effects are positively diverted. Although this seems to be a beneficial choice, favoring this way means accepting a struggle while in the process. This struggle is intensified by despair brought by remembering. Success in this struggle will prove that hope is possible beyond despair. I may not say that this is a universal conclusion but the affirmation of the possibility of hope beyond despair may be a motivation enough to encourage people in despair to strive.

Perel’s experience may back this claim up. His hardship confirmed the reality of struggle that should and must be faced, that he, himself faced, in order to find hope. Perel had an identity crisis. While being treated as a German hero and interpreter for the enemy’s side, hiding his Jewish identity made personal security hard to find for him. He needed to check that the bathroom’s lock is functioning, be careful when urinating and pretend to have a tooth ache to escape the medical check-up that would have required him to take his clothes off. His Jewish identity hindered him to love Leny intimately.

While making his best to maximize the limitations, Perel’s consciousness and sub-consciousness still know the memory- that he is a Jew and that he still sympathizes for the Jews. Giving allegiance to Hitler, uttering ‘Heil Hitler’ and singing the Hitler Youth hymn confused him as the actions seemed obliging him to stab the knife (he will be using) to his own flesh and his fellow Jews’. He even had a fight with Leny when she condemned the Jews for being Jews. Perel suffered emotionally because of his emotional attachment with the Jews in the ghetto. In his dream, he saw his family doing the Jewish ritual.

Memory of undesirable events certainly brings despair. However, hope is possible despite of despair. Despite of Perel’s personal and collective (together with the entire Jewish population) defeats, he continued to fight for his life through whatever means he may have to take. Of course, not all the successful experience may be attributed to his courage to find hope despite of despair. Fate and good luck helped in building things up to give him a place that is at least conducive for living. This may sound ironic, but the evilness (as seen through the perspective of people especially the Jews and except the pro-Nazis) of the German Nazis also did its contribution for the Jewish community and for Perel to still hope despite of despair. Despite of despair, hope is possible if and only if a person can successfully endure the struggle. In Perel’s case, he successfully endured- maybe because of constant revisiting of his main goal to live for himself, to give honor to the memory of his family and the European Jews.

 Perel decided to first come back with the Russians where he can freely be a Jew. He chose to be a Jew after all. He raised his family in Palestine. Because of his despair, he became aware of the bitterness and sweetness of life. Because of losing his family members, he valued his own family more. He provided his sons a home in Palestine where they can develop their identity from which they may be strongly rooted.

Hope is possible because of despair. If this negative emotion may be seen as a barrier, it is also a reason and initiator to encourage hope. While 6million death of Jews may be considered statistics for comparison to other evil and irrational mass murder, the figure is unique and tragic to the people who have personal relationship with even one of those 6million. It is tragic to those who sympathize and incomprehensible to those seeking logic. Because of despair, people learn to deal with traumatic but irreversible events. Dealing with this memory is associated to difficulty and it is such a noble thing to remember, appropriate the feeling of despair and still be hopeful after all.

EMPEROR'S CLUB

TIME. A word so simple yet has a very profound meaning. Meaning, as a term may not be enough to characterize it because time encompasses aspects beyond such word. Time is the generous dimension of life. Unlike space, it is given equally among individuals. However, this munificence is not infinite. Human mind can never entirely enclose this dimension. The characteristic of time that is best defined by the tenses (past, present, future) is that of being irreversible. Travelling back to time is not possible. The best that a person can do is to cherish or regret for memory bound within the past and learn afterwards. Human consciousness lingers in the present. The past experiences are subject to falling into oblivion or being the blacksmith to mold one’s future, subjective to one’s individuality.

Significant events are significantly remembered. I cannot blame people who act like spiders trapped in the web of the past. Social conventions so dictate humanity to. Even our first reading material in childhood begins with “Once upon a time”. It became habitual for us to raise questions like, “How did I begin?”, “Have I started it right?” because we are bound to the view that the end depends on the beginning. No matter what the answers to these questions are- positive or negative, we cannot ask for a replay. Time will not allow us. We may no longer shape our past.

If events in the past are as favorable as they are, who would wish to shape the past anyway? The desire to shaping the past is correlated to regretful decisions we once had. In The Emperor’s Club, Martin Blythe may never undo his father’s championship in Mr. Julius Caesar just to remove from himself the pressure of also becoming one. William Hundert may never un-know his knowledge that once as a teacher, he violated his life’s principles and wronged an innocent student to give way for another. Sedgewick Bell has no capability to unmake his cheating paraphernalia that he has already used in the contest. Sedgewick Bell’s son may never un-hear the painful words he had listened to from his dad just to retain his confidence with his father.

Although we may no longer shape the past, we can still shape how the past affects us. It is ironic that people tend to forget to remember things worthy of reminiscence while regret for unfortunate events forever. We are not coerced by the Janus-face of “remember triumphs-forget failures” dilemma. Since human consciousness lingers in the present, we have the partial ability to manage our “today” by learning from past mistakes and improving on some aspects. The way we are driven by the past is up to us. Definitely, simply remembering or forgetting is not enough. There should be rationalizing action to precede one’s reaction.

In the movie, William Hundert failed in molding Bell’s values. Fortunately, his realization begets another realization that his life is not determined by a single failure or a solitary success. Blythe’s personal tension brought by the memory of his Mr. Julius Caesar-father only motivated him to study hard. Bell’s defeat, despite of cheating, directed him to cheat again to open up the possibility of winning in the second match.  When Hundert admitted to Blythe that Blythe was supposed to have joined Mr. Julius Caesar, Blythe had no way to travel back through time and get what he deserved. It is part of the past.  Anything to change that is completely beyond his control. His capability as an individual is to shape how this revelation will affect his present life and how he will appropriate his actions. As humans have the way to shape the effects of the past, we may also choose which road to take and/or make to divert from the topsy-turvy path of our past.

Human capacity is not absolute. Future may be completely in our hands provided that some assumptions are held true or more scientifically “constant”. Decisions certainly lead to specific events if and only if the following concepts are presumed to be nonexistent- fate, luck, destiny, serendipity and other metaphysical aspects. However, the real world is not a vacuum. Real events are always accompanied, not only by the dimensions of time and space, but also with the mentioned factors that are beyond human control. I humbly believe that I am not the only captain of my life, that luck and/or bad luck also play their part. Future is not completely in our hands.

Having the future completely in our hands is ideal. Idealists have the tendency to force-fit the yet-to-come dimension of time within the boundary of human capacity. Probably, idealists want security and assurance of success. Bell’s philosophy can back my claim up. For him to get what he wants (to be crowned Julius Caesar or to have a seat in the Senate), it is all right to lie and cheat. It is his view of the ideal future for him. Martin Blythe’s decision to send his son to St. Benedict Academy is also accompanied by his want to manipulate the future of his son- to orient his son with the same formation from Mr. Hundert. Mr. Hundert’s dishonest act of giving way to Bell what he did not initially deserved was also an attempt to control the future. I think that human tendency to strive to be in-control is explainable because it is the natural struggle for power.

The movie’s events prove that there is no such thing as “completely manageable”. Bell cheated twice to win, but he lost twice also. Hundert sacrificed Blythe’s position for the sake of providing inspiration to Bell that should have been a catalyst for the betterment of his character. What did Hundert get for it? Undeserved failure. This is justifiable since the events in the movie are designed to be realistic- not experimental wherein other variables can be held constant and only human actions-curve shall be observed to clearly see its intersection to a specific time in the y-axis.

The last scene shows St. Benedict Academy as coed. While this is a decision made by the school board, this future has not been forecasted. Liberalization of education and society might have been a factor in this decision, not only the accordance of the school board. The relationship between human’s actions and the future is neither absolute nor arbitrary. If this is absolute, then the concept of “failure” might have not been known. Everyone is bound to succeed. Ironically, “success” might not be as important due to lack of comparison to its binary opposite. In either way, if the future is arbitrarily related to our decisions, then we will not take time thinking about our lives. We will all be dependent to the “natural way”. A part of the future is in our hands, another part may be in the hands of a person superior to us, to society, government, culture or to “something” beyond what are five senses can grasp.

If I divide time into three- past, present and future, I can only work out for the one-third center part, my present. The past, on the other hand, does not even qualify for an argument because it is a given. I have control in my present although it is not a hundred percent, just partial manipulation. In as much as I may not have a replay to shape my past, I may not have a fast-forward to the future as well. Events, experiences, your lives and my life are unpredictable variables moving along an omnipresent and predictable dimension of time. 

MONSTER'S BALL

Status quo is a reservoir from where an individual gets his/her framework. Status quo is not static but change is almost always very slow because people tend to just accept societal norms- appreciating the good parts and regretting or but living with the problematic parts. These diverging factors will eventually build the framework of an individual. The perpetuation of the status quo through generations can be attributed to the commonalities present between generations that are asserted by the older one to the latter.

In the movie, the status quo is very prevalent and discriminating against the women and the black. This is rejoiced and affirmed by Hank and his father. Even Leticia, being a woman and black, frustratingly accepts the status quo and she always tells her son that, “You can’t be a black man and fat”. The context is trying not to have a double inferiority. More so, Hank and his father believe that a man is incomplete if he has not yet split a black woman. Some events/images in the movie suggest symbolic persistence of status quo. Buck was a Correction Officer, therefore, Hank and Sonny should also be. The belief that parents and children should have a commonality was symbolically represented by a common prostitute and the manner of doing sex by Hank and Sonny. Tyrell’s father said that some of his clothes may be worn by Tyrell when he grows up. Tyrell and his father both have drawing skills.

In comprehending the idea of being bound by or freed from a framework, one should first fully understand what that framework is. I believe that framework is the dominant perception of reality as conceptualized by the individual’s mind.  Although influenced by both the universal human nature and the specific culture one is immersed in, conceptualization of a framework is something individual- ingrained in one’s mind that some actions are subconscious and more so, seems to be non-reflexive as breathing and regular blinking of the eye.

In the Monster’s Ball, the grandfather is a racist and sexist individual. He believes that his wife was weak although he never was able to prove his wife’s weakness. He can not imagine himself living in a neighborhood where most people are black. He was even threatened seeing two black boys playing around his front yard. This view is shared by his son Hank because Hank’s father insisted it so.

As I said earlier, a framework is a perception of reality as conceptualized by an individual’s mind. While giving my highest respect to individuality, I still believe that we can not choose either be bound by or freed from this framework. Saying that “we can be free” implies our independence from universal human nature and the status quo. I’m not saying that we do not have the capability of deciding for ourselves but our decisions- minor, life-changing and those that we see as deviants from societal norms are still bound within a framework.

The movie is set in Georgia, a conservative state, still observing traditions and not as liberal as New York, Washington and other states. At first, Hank supports his father who lives with him. Hank is undeniably influenced by his father’s sexist and racist qualities. The moment he became aware of hid flaws and faults, as influenced by Buck, he sent his father to a home for the aged with the notion that his decision would free him from the state of mind he’s used to. But no, his framework was well-constructed enough to motivate not only is actions but also the action he’s trying to avoid, not only his way of thinking but also the thoughts he’s trying not to think of.

Freedom from the framework influenced by societal norms requires a human isolated from birth (bornt but not raised by anybody), cultureless, living in a vacuum (without the influence of nature or living beings other than human). Realistically, surviving, literally “alone” is highly unlikely, if not impossible.

In looking at the possible side of framework appropriation is the attempt to reformat the framework we are bound by but this quest is never easy. It is like trying to achieve the freest that’s not free at all and the least bound that is still bound. We may manipulate our actions and our way of thinking sometimes but there should be continuous determination as the status quo to divert us back will forever be present. Enforcing one’s self to divert from the status quo, although hard is a lot easier than changing the status quo itself since the latter takes time or more so, more than one’s lifetime. 

             

Experiential Empowerment

The bamboo trees filtered the sunrays to perfection – morning light accentuated by fog and dew. I occasionally moved my shoulders to find the spot where my backpack would not seem too heavy. I used my right hand to carry the black plastic bag with two coconuts – “pabaon” of my host Mangyan community. It was the last day of my immersion and I was bound to face my own “reality” from living with the “reality of others.” I lived with the Mangyans for a week and the experience brought me realizations on how the empowered youth can become agents of progress. I left the community dreaming not how I could give back tomorrow but how I can think of proactive ways now.

(c) Pam Yson
The author is the girl to the right of the board. The board showing the welcome message in Mangyan language. 

Why Youth? Because youth is not wasted on the young. Youth is an opportune moment to create avenues to change the status quo. As a law student, my empowered way of reaching out is by writing and by engaging myself in the activities of the Ateneo Human Rights Center. With youth, a person is equipped with adept discretion to distinguish right from wrong. Given the fact that most persons comprising the youth do not have their own families to raise yet, the empowered youth has more time to fight for the things worth fighting for.

Why Youth? Because the youth acts. In the Philippines where I am from, the power of the youth is easily observed. The Filipino youth is active in nation-building projects like Gawad Kalinga. I have friends actively pursuing social causes like the No to APECO Movement. The youth participates in the political arena forming party-list groups. The government has an organized youth arm called the Sangguniang Kabataan which gives the youth the chance to execute special projects to address their needs. The youth acts, everywhere. The youth has the power to manipulate how ideas are portrayed from the lens of their work – whether it be corporate, press, or the academe.

Why Youth? Because the youth inspires. Perhaps the best dichotomy in this life is “action-reaction.” When the youth acts positively, the youth population (even the entire nation) is inspired. The youth of today is a bunch of fortunate youth for we are given different arenas to pursue advocacy. I have been personally inspired by my idols like Atty. Johaira Wahab who is active in the peace negotiating process in the country. With the help of modern technology, it is easy to call the attention of an inspired youth. With a post on Facebook and retweets on Twitter, an assembly for an advocacy can be gathered as if everyone is merely lining up for a concert by The Script or by Taylor Swift. It is important to keep the youth burning with passion and with faith that the status quo, if unpleasant, can be changed.

It is important that the process of empowerment should be something experiential. For the past years, I have immersed myself to the lives of others. To me, experiencing the “reality of others” is vital to have a clear grasp of the comprehensive reality we are all in. My experience with the Mangyans made me realize how the society can still work for the alleviation of conditions in the sub-societies and I, as part of the youth, can be part of the task force.

Fragments of Words and Photographs [For Marie]

“Am I in love? --yes, since I am waiting. The other one never waits. Sometimes I want to play the part of the one who doesn't wait; I try to busy myself elsewhere, to arrive late; but I always lose at this game. Whatever I do, I find myself there, with nothing to do, punctual, even ahead of time. The lover's fatal identity is precisely this: I am the one who waits.”

PS: I am sorry for the layout!!! I had a thing in mind when I "made" the photos but I can't do it here... Boo... 

Suits S02E16 - Season Finale

You don't understand what I have been through. You don't understand what I have lost. Because it's everything, everyone that I love - Trevor, my grandmother, Harvey, now probably this job. I am not ready to lose you. Not today. 

If she had shown up here and asked you to start a relationship, would you have said yes? xxx No, you wouldn't have. xxx Did you ask her to stay? xxx Bullshit, you let her go. And I am so sick of watching you fight like hell for everything that happens in here and nothing that happens in here (heart) xxx But the thing is she didn't love him, she loves you. 

♥ ♥ ♥ What a finale this finale!!! :)

Title this Post

So that’s how “I could lose my life at any moment,” felt. For less than ten seconds, I felt numb. It was probably the combination of feeling scared, anxious, helpless, undecided. I could have been stabbed by a stranger when I was so unprepared to die.

***

Nakasakay ako sa jeep habang nagpapadala ng mga text sa ilang kabigan nang biglang may maingay sa may pinto ng sasakyan. (Tired from the day’s requirements and The Palladium’s coverage of SC elections and thinking how to study for tomorrow’s PIL class)

Mga pasahero: Hindi maintindihang ingay.

Magnanakaw: Putang ina mo, ano?

Drayber: Putang ina mo (para sa Magnanakaw). Putang ina mo, nananadya ka pa (Para sa kasalubong na jeep na pinaghinalaan niyang kasabwat).

Magnanakaw: Putang ina mo lalaban ka pa. Putang ina. (Sumampa ng jeep at may hawak na kutsilyo habang papalapit sa Drayber. Ilang Segundo ang nagdaan, bumaba rin siya dala ang 2 bag at cellphone ng ibang pasahero).

Umiiyak ako. Umiiyak din ang mga kasama ko habang pinipilit ang Drayber na tumakbo na lamang dahil baka bumalik pa ang Magnanakaw. Dumiretso kami sa presinto.

***

For 30 minutes of my life, I was so confused. I did not know what to do. The place of the precinct was an unknown area and it was already 10:00 PM. I did not know whether to wait for the jeepney with the other passengers or to get myself a cab. The pros of a cab: I can go ahead. The cons of the cab: I will be alone and it might pass the very same street where the incident happened. I was so scared but I could not call my sister to get a cab from the dorm and fetch me there. It was a scary place. I could not call a friend to fetch me there. It was a scary place. I ended up waiting for the other passengers to give their (I did not even know how that one was called, complaint?) On our way back, the jeepney driver was saying sorry and apologizing for what happened. He said, “Nangyayari talaga ito. Pasensya na.” He did not have to. I feel endlessly thankful no one was hurt. It feels awful how a person can arbitrarily lose his or her life because of a random event. The robber could have just chosen one of us to stab, so that the passengers will be scared. Thanks God it did not happen.

Reflections:

All my legal knowledge was gone, even for that moment we were already at the precinct. If I were one of the passengers whose things were robbed, I may not have been able to speak at all. It’s really not the things that one will lose. I believe it is more of the emotional stress one has to endure being confronted with a knife that could end one’s life when one is extremely not prepared to die. I was so confused and crying: I read the texts I sent when we were already at the precinct, I used curse words like “Fuck,” “Shit” etc. And I used them repeatedly. I don’t curse in normal situations.

Resolution: I will never ever commute at night ever again. Safety is not insured by daytime but at least, I will have sunlight.

Realization: It is a sad and bad thing (probably unjustified qualification by a law student) but theft is a “better” crime than robbery.

Thank you to my AHRC friends who called: Lea, Pau, Jay. At paumanhin kung nakagulo pa ako sa simula ng pagdiriwang. CONGRATULATIONS LEA B. NA HANDANG MAGSILBI!!! 

Anything based on mutual distrust is never going to work.

Some random tweets I just want to eternalize… Because I felt really bad these days and I feel like they were all undue emotional stress (and undeserved for that matter)… Well, at the end of the day, I can’t get people to like me the same way as I can’t force myself to like people… It just still hurts there are people who would effort to ruin one’s life all because of mutual unliking of each other, which yeah, leads to mutual distrust. I have mentioned “Anything based on mutual distrust is never going to work,” until a good friend reminded me it is basically the history of international relations. I was enlightened that in IR, it worked! So there, the random tweets… But honestly, I feel happy today because I got to talk to people who understood (and tried to)… I hate being judged because of the things I believe in… But at the end of the day, I will still believe in them even if others may hate me for doing so… So there, the random tweets (I’m repetitive) 

So that was disillusionment to the nth level!!! But thank you Lord for peace today <3

And that was the pretty feeling of everyone going against you w/o understanding why but at the end of the day, you have to stand up.

And uh, feel lucky you were able to experience such a bad thing (after all experience is experience) and you stood up? IDK

Theme song for the past three days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aViAxK3SKU

Writing to get by... This ROLLER COASTER RIDE

My January and February (so far) 2013

1. I got my dream internship. It meant a lot for me. God knows how I worked hard preparing my resumes and commuting to personally hand my application envelopes in Makati, Taguig and Ortigas. One interview I had was on the same day I took my Tax midterms. I know it had a detrimental effect on my exam but as my forever mantra would say: charge it to experience. I really enjoyed applying because I got to see offices. I enjoyed having interviews because it somehow tested my ability to answer unexpected questions and hold conversations without boring the interviewer. If I had all the time in the world, I would really love to work with several lawyers because I know they have what it takes to inspire me. I love working with other people and learning from them. This is in addition to the fact that I get to measure my capabilities whenever I work with other people under pressure and certain expectations. 

I am so excited for my summer. I am excited to learn new things and work with other law students from other schools and from Ateneo, including the no-other-than-smartest-person-in-our-batch-who-is-the-incarnation-of-MAGIS.

PS: My heartfelt gratitude goes to the people I kept on asking to come up with decisions: Jay, Batch Mars, Lyn, Sis Les, Kuya Neil, Bang, Rizza, a lot of friends from AHRC.

2. I flunked exams. Midterm results for some subjects have been released. I flunked some (in literal sense) and barely passed the others. I really don't know why or how it happened. I studied my lessons. There were just subjects I can barely comprehend - like Tax. But anyway, Tax can be both the most frustrating and enlightening experience I will ever have in my life. So, hi, yes to the universe. I am just hoping that if I give it my best and comply with what is expected of me, the universe will help me make it through the semester. This semester is tough (like the toughest one I have ever had?)

3. I "loved?" I thought I have met someone perfect to be a guy partner or anything and I thought I loved? But probably not. It could not be love because it has gone tired. I don't know. I really don't know. I also am not sure I'm tired. Probably not? Probably trying to convince myself I am tired for the self to stop and not get hurt tomorrow or some other time? Adele sang "I won't let you close enough to hurt me." Well, I still like the guy but he doesn't give a damn, so K thanks bye? But we are friends? And I just don't know how to deal with it - I mean falling for someone (first time in law school) who doesn't give a damn. Or I really don't know. Spent too much time caring? And making it the center of my solar system when it should have been the sun? Bottomline: I allowed myself to be hurt once more, and not by another person, but by the creations of my imaginations and dreams that it might work? 

4. I am part of the Roll of Honors. I think grades are not everything but I am a firm believer that they are important. So, I am happy to be part of the Roll of Honors because it justifies the efforts of the people sending me to school and the hopes of others who expect something from me. I am way down there but I am a thankful for it. There were times I wish I did not have to work but then again, how will I cope with everyday if I don't have work? Thank you Lord so much for still giving me the things I want even if I feel like I don't deserve them all. I mean, I am just a student who sleep my ass off whenever I am dead tired. Thank you to my family who always listen (in spite of my almost regular rants about school and how hard it is to study, work and commute for almost 3 hours a day). I am the person who rant a lot but still work on it. I don't know I have grown to feel like ranting will make me accomplish something better - because it recognizes the adversity and challenge and at the same time acknowledges the capability of the self to endure? But oh well, I should stop ranting sometimes HAHA!

PS: Thank you again to the people who continuously inspire: Sir Ryan, Sir Arpee, Sir Vallente, and the like. Friends esp. Mau, Al, Bernz, Patrick and another girl from UP Law (whom I've never met but inspired me a lot after I read stories about her, well I stalk a lot that's given). Well, of course, friends outside law school who continue to live simply and humbly even if they already earn a lot. Thank you also Mommy Ana for helping me in every way possible. The world is so blessed with people like you.

How to Deal with Frustration

Reflect.
Let it break.
Accept that it's broken.
Recollect.

"Things fall apart, the center cannot hold."

My Dreams and His Guitar

Two nights ago, I dreamed that this guy was singing "I Almost Do" by Taylor Swift. Last night, I dreamed that he was singing romantic songs while playing the guitar.

I just don't understand why he needed to sing that Swift song. But he sang it in a very awesome manner. And I love Taylor Swift, so that was a plus (as if it matters if I give him any plus) I feel so not existing in his world. Why???

And in my second dream, he played the guitar and sang like a professional performer.  It's just sad that I forgot what the songs were - but I know they were romantic songs <3 And he sang them in a very manly manner that I really blushed in my dream <3 Thank God it was a dream (or not? because I am really dying to hear him sing or play the guitar)

Now, back to Tax!!!

University Dorm Cards and Realizations

I opened my envelope of important college files and saw these certificates. These are certificates of recognition for academic excellence and service from the dorm. The two certificates were given for having reached the QPI of a Dean's Lister. The other one was given as a recognition that I did not incur any absence in my service hours rendered for the dormitory. 

Seeing the cards made me remember two things:

1. How I loved staying in the University Dorm. Sir Tim and ARSA really make UD a home to the dormers. In addition to such fact, the dorm gives credit when they are due. The scholars are treated well. I was given food allowance, along with other scholars. Dormers who make it to the Dean's List are given incentives, from dinner to gift certificates. UD was a home away from home, it the most literal and real sense. 

2. How I got really sad that my brother will not be in Ateneo next year. He did not make it to ACET. I was hoping he would pass with a scholarship. I was hoping he would make it a dormer-scholar. I wanted him to become an Atenean because Ateneo taught and gave me a lot of things - experience I would never trade for anything. I wanted him to experience what I experienced, with the help of other people. 

Just to reiterate it in this post: Upon knowing that my brother did not make it, I also realized how I really love the school. I was not bitter he did not make it. I was sad, yes. But I still feel overwhelmed by great opportunities this school has been giving me. 

Random realizations all because I saw these cards from UD and I remembered living inside the campus, with the trees, behind the Church of the Gesu, where you can even hear the school bell ringing if you have such awesome ears :)) 

French Movies 2013

One of my New Year's Resolutions is to watch French films (once a week). I decided to do it to remember the sound and accent of French words and also to have something to do for my leisure time. So, I will be posting the titles of the films on this post every week. And probably some words, unforgettable scenes if I feel like doing so. Request addressed to anyone who gets to read this post,  if you have supply of French films, please let me copy the files so I will not have to download everytime.

Semaine 1 (05/01/13): La Pianiste (The Piano Teacher, 2001) avec Isabelle Huppert et Benoit Magimel

Well, this film is depressing. It talked about love, desires, passion. There were insane and disturbing scenes. 

Semaine 2 (12/01/13): Amour (Love, 2012)

This film is touching but also sad. It is about love and everything that goes beyond love. This is about an elderly couple. Read reviews and watch! It's awesome.

Semaine 7 (16/02/13) Le Diner de Cons (The Dinner Game, 1998)

Ice Cream and Tears

It meant the whole world when you asked if I wanted ice cream. I wanted a cup or even a bowl of it but I said, “No.”

It feels strange that I could not articulate my thoughts now. I am in the right condition to write: slightly tired from reading, listening to a good music, right time, but not crying. My best pieces are those I wrote while crying. I will never tell which ones I cried over, in spite of the revelation that I am not crying now.

I dreamt of hiding my heart

Somewhere away from your beating

Planned on cleansing my mind

Spotless from memories

Only to realize that the best way

Is to take my eyes to the desert

Where even a single oasis

Does not exist

Memories with you have always led me to tears. But my eyes are dry now, even while trying to remember that ice cream or your eyes that told everything, or how you bowed down to offer because I was lying on the floor, or how you whispered to my ear to ask if I wanted some, and how I whispered back to deny, and how you stood up again and went away. I am not saying I have forgotten the feelings. I have not, or probably, never will. It feels stranger than fiction now how not a single drop of tear would fall.

I used to ask myself “When would the tears stop falling?” but now I am clueless why they did.