Balangkas ng Pagpapahalaga: Salamat 2012!

Nariyan ang pagpapahalaga sa buhay sapagkat ito ang nagbibigay-pagkakataon sa sarili upang umiral. Ito ang nagbibigay-pagkakataong dumanas – masaya o masakit man. Ito ang nagbibigay-pagkakataong umunawa o pilit na maghanap ng sagot kung bakit walang pag-unawa. Sa pagpapahalaga sa sarili, patuloy kong binibigyang-buhay ang katagang hango sa pilosopiya ni Gabriel Marcel: Ang sarili ay hiwaga, pasya at biyaya.

Sinabi ko sa sarili kong sisikapin kong “mamaalam” sa taong 2012, isang “pamamaalam” na patuloy na nakakulong sa mga panipi, mga paniping hindi nangangahulugang pilit kong tinatalikuran ang katotohanang papasok na ang 2013 bagkus mga paniping nagsasabuhay na hindi mawawala iyong 2012. Mananatiling nariyan sa alaala ang mga pangyayari. Maari silang manumbalik sa mga darating na araw, linggo, buwan o taon. Napagtanto kong hindi naman isang kahingian ang mag-paalam sa taong puno ng karanasan dahil mayroong kalayaang piliin iyong pansamantalang pagsasara o kahit isang simpleng pagharap lamang sa tadhanang patuloy gumalaw kasabay ng oras.

Ninais kong isulat ang piyesang ito gamit ang isang balangkas na tatawagin kong “Balangkas ng Pagpapahalaga.” Maihahalintulad ang buhay ayon sa pag-iral nito sa mga pagpapahalagang siyang nagbibigay kahulugan sa kung anumang nais abutin o marating ng isang tao.

Pagpapahalaga sa Iba

Pamilya

“Ang hindi lumingon sa pinanggalingan, hindi makararating sa paroroonan,” isang kasabihang mahigit isang libo ko nang narinig o nabasa marahil. Sa kabila nito, hindi ako humihinto sa pakikinig o paniniwalang kailangang malay ang sarili sa kung anumang mayroon siya “bago” pa man mangyari ang lahat – pamilya. Ang aking pamilya ang sumasalo sa tuwing ako’y mahuhulog. Ang pamilya ko ang tumutulak at patuloy na sumusuporta upang huwag huminto, sa kabila ng lahat ng pagsubok. Ang aking pamilya ang nariyang nagagalak sa bawat tagumpay, nalulungkot ngunit may pagtanggap, sa kabila ng kabiguan. Pamilya marahil iyong biyayang patuloy na “nariyan na,” “nariyan lang,” o “palaging nariyan,” na dapat hindi makalimutang pahalagahan.

Kaibigan

[Friends] Bahagi ng buhay ang pakikipamuhay kasama ng ibang tao. Nagpapasalamat ako sa mga dating kaibigan at bagong kaibigan, na kasama kong dumanas at tumikim sa anumang ibigay ng buhay – inasahan o hindi inasahan. Kaibigan iyong matiyagang makikinig sa kabila nang paulit-ulit na pagtatanong o paghingi ng tulong. [Special mention to Matanglawin, Dorm Friends, Scholar Friends]

[Benefactors] Araw-araw akong gumigising nang may pasasalamat at tiwalang mabuti ang mundo. Maraming salamat sa patuloy na sumusuporta sa aking pag-aaral. Kayo ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ako titigil na tuwina’y magbigay-katarungan sa inyong pagtulong. Isang biyaya ng Diyos na nakatagpo ako ng mga taong binibigyang katuparan ang isa sa mga pinahahalagahan ko sa buhay – edukasyon.

[AHRC] Noong isang taon ko pa ninais na maging kasapi ng Ateneo Human Rights Center. Sa biyaya ng Diyos at sa tulong ng mga pumili sa Batch Bulan, naging intern ako ng AHRC ngayong taon. Masaya kong sasabihing isa sa pinakamagandang nangyari sa aking buhay ngayong taon ang pagiging miyembro ng organisasyon. Nakatutuwang magkaroon ng ibang gawain, maliban sa pag-aaral, lalo na kung may hawig na paniniwala rin ng tulad sa sarili ang mga makakasama.

Dahil sa AHRC, nakilala ko ang aking pamilyang Mangyan. Maraming ipinamulat sa akin ang pakikimuhay ko kasama sila sa loob ng isang linggo. Dahil sa AHRC, nakilala ko ang mga kaibigang marahil ay magiging kaibigan ko na rin habang buhay. Dahil sa AHRC, nakilala ko ang mga abogadong ginagamit ang batas upang makatulong sa mga marhinalisadong pangkat ng lipunan, sa layuning magsulong ng katarungan.

[The Palladium] Ito rin ang taon kung kailan ako nagkaroon ng una kong organisasyon sa Law School. Nakilala ko ang mga kasamang may pagmamahal din sa pagsusulat. Nabigyan ako ang pagkakataong sumulat muli. Masaya akong makasama ang mga taong palaging may masasabi sa mga nangyayari sa paligid at mahusay na magsasaliksik upang makagawa at makasulat ng magandang piyesa.

[The Women of Aleitheia] Nang sumali ako sa isang sorority, maraming nagsabing hindi ako iyong tipong sasali sa isang sisterhood. Nagsimula akong hindi batid kung ano ba talaga iyong pinasok ko. Sa pagiging bahagi ng The Women of Aleitheia, masaya akong magkaroon ng mga “sisters” na palaging nariyan kapag kailangan ko ng tulong at palaging umuunawa sa aking kalagayan. Lubos akong nagpapasalamat sa Batch Beryl. Salamat sa pagkakaibigan, Gay, Mars, Rax, Becky!

Pagpapahalaga sa Sarili

Hindi maikakailang nangangailangan ng pagpapahalaga ang sarili. Bagaman mayroong kakulangan, nagpapasalamat akong maging malay sa aking kakayahan at limitasyon. Natutuwa akong patuloy na magkaroon ng sagot sa tanong na, “Para kanino ka bumabangon?” Hango sa isang patalastas sa telebisyon ang tanong na iyan. Mula noon, isinapuso at isinaisip kong dapat mayroong dahilan at kahulugan ang aking pag-iral – iyong kahulugang pinaniniwalaan kong “nariyan” sa kabila ng minsanang hindi pagkaramdam o pagkabatid kung ano ba iyong kahulugan.

Nariyan ang pagpapahalaga sa buhay sapagkat ito ang nagbibigay-pagkakataon sa sarili upang umiral. Ito ang nagbibigay-pagkakataong dumanas – masaya o masakit man. Ito ang nagbibigay-pagkakataong umunawa o pilit na maghanap ng sagot kung bakit walang pag-unawa. Sa pagpapahalaga sa sarili, patuloy kong binibigyang-buhay ang katagang hango sa pilosopiya ni Gabriel Marcel: Ang sarili ay hiwaga, pasya at biyaya.

Tatapusin ko aking panulat sa pamamagitan ng mga paumanhin.

1.      Paumanhin kung sakaling hindi ko nabigyang-katarungan ang mga biyaya ng taong 2012 sa pamamagitan ng maikling artikulong aking inilathala sa aking “blog.”

2.      Paumanhin kung kinakalawang na ang aking Filipino. Patuloy kong magiging inang-wika ang Filipino subalit tila nawalan ako ng oras upang magbasa at sumulat upang mapaghusayan ang aking kakayahan.

SALAMAT 2012!

Overused Parentheses

Titled it "Overused Parentheses" upon realizing that I have used a bunch of them. Post is about mixed emotions, random thoughts on my 2012. 

On Letting Go

Last summer, I received one of the greatest news in my life. I got a scholarship in Europe. It covers all expenses for an exchange program: tuition, visa, roundtrip fare, allowance of 1000 euros/month for six months. I was elated by the news. Europe was (and still is) a dream. Friends who were under the same scholarship for previous batches said that the allowance was more than enough for me to be able to visit several (around 6) more countries in Europe aside from the country of my host university. I have never gone abroad because of financial constraints. I finally got the opportunity but I had to let it go (for law school?) Well until now, I am not sure if I have made the right decision (because I could have just easily filed for a LOA and just come back after a school year). I could have seen my first experience of snow, or smelled my first encounter with spring. I could have celebrated Christmas and New Year abroad (for the first time).

On Moving On

Finally, I can say it: I have moved on from an old love. I also said it last year (Well, yes, it took me two years to move on from a heartbreak brought by a person I was not even in a relationship with). But this time, I am 99.99% sure I would not have to repeat the same statement again. Pathetic how one could feel so terribly in love with someone who was not in love with her. But I think it’s also courageous to have been hurt like hell and still manage to believe (and expect) someone would actually come (and never leave). After all (as what a good friend of mine told me), I was breaking my own heart. It took me two years to realize how undeserved such feeling was.

On Saying Yes to the Universe

Felt inspired to jot down some notes about 2012, because I had a great Christmas Party with Block A last night. I felt so happy (which was somehow unexpected because I never felt like we really belong to the block we transferred in). I just felt so thankful to realize that all this time, I have been surrounded by awesome people. It was just that I did not take the chance of widening my comfort zone (with the fear that I might risk feeling unwelcome again). “Say yes to the universe,” is a line I got from one speaker in college. I think for quite sometime (a semester), I failed to say yes to the unending call of the universe (to try to mingle with other people and see the good things in every person I meet). I would not deny I’ve had bad (slightly painful) moments with this school year. But nothing should ever be left unforgiven or unforgotten. I promise to start my 2013, feeling happy, loving the people I am with, every single day. 

On Finding Someone I Hope Has Also Found Me (or will find me soon)

Finding someone is one thing. Actually putting yourself at stake is another. It feels good to have living affirmations that “ideal” (relative term) guys still exist. One would feel hopeful and happy to find such kind. But one does not just put the self at stake for every ideal guy she meets (in addition to the fact that there's just few of them). It has to have the effect of the ideal guy also putting himself at stake. (Un)fortunately, 2012 is a year I found someone (who probably is yet to find me). Sometimes, I feel like it may be as hasty as 123 (knowing someone à that someone also knowing me à feeling like you could put the self at stake à waiting for something mutual to prosper). The last step is the hardest thing to get. You could analyze and overthink everything but you can’t work on an inception for mutuality to commence. 

PS: Because whenever I start to talk about the last topic, I begin to sound without any sense. 

Not Without My Daughter, 1991

"WE'RE HOME, BABY. WE'RE HOME." This is the last line uttered by Betty upon seeing the American embassy after a risky escape from Iran. This is a film mentioned by Dean Sed on first day of our PIL class. (Well, I really take down quotable quotes, film names, book names, poems that are mentioned by professors and people I look up to, in general. I was crying half of the time. Too much emotions in a film: betrayal, hopelessness, anger, hatred. 

I thought I have just met the man I hate the most  (Moody, in this film). There were lines which would occasionally trigger semi-violent reactions like:

It took her quite some time before she understood how to be a good wife.

I watched it 11pm-1am and kept on thinking about it until around 3am, before I was able to sleep. Upon waking up, I decided to research on the background of the film. Well, I usually research about a film or a book after I have seen or read it, because if I research before watching or reading, my mind may be prejudiced and unable to differentiate my appreciation of the art from other people's views. The film has several negative reviews and criticisms. Some, because it was racist and prejudiced and revealed the bad side of Iran and Iranians from only one perspective. Some called it a bad art because it was just coming from the point of view of Betty.

I don't see it as necessarily a bad art just because it merely showed Betty's view on events. Firstly, it is understood by the audience that it is Betty's version. Secondly, racist and prejudiced films do not equate to bad art (What if the intention is really to portray a racist version, as seen by an American? In that way, that will be a good art because the film was able to convey the emotions and even anger against the other party.) I am not saying I believed everything the film showed. That would be futile: believing as real a fiction (artistic work) which happened to be based on a true story. Of course, there are scenes that were products of the fictional mind.

The film depicts how love, courage, strength and hope can triumph against all odds. I felt for Betty when she felt like Moody betrayed her (in not telling her that he really intended them to live in Iran). I felt for her when she had to battle against everything for the sake of herself and her daughter. I know it may sound un-empowered, but I still think one of the worst feelings a woman can feel is when her husband whom she has always loved and trusted (from whom she equally received love and trust) changed all of sudden - including occasional physical and emotional violence. She would have felt extremely hopeless in a foreign place with almost no one to understand her predicaments. In addition to all the negative circumstances, she had to be a source of strength for her daughter. I love the courage of this woman who fought for what she wanted.

PS: There is a documentary released as a response to this film. The title is Without my Daughter. This is a version of Moody's side. There is also a book written by Moody. The title is Lost Without my Daughter.

Gambling with Time (and Space)

So, it’s the birthday of one of the most important friends I have. But I’m left with a general greeting of “Happy birthday. God bless you,” because I don’t feel it’s legit to give a long and melodramatic message when we haven’t really talked since May. I did something wrong – really wrong. And I just can't find the right words to explain myself because there really are no words to justify what I did. So here I am, gambling with time (and space), after having said the general words and phrases which basically meant, “I was sorry,” which of course, was not enough. Feels bad how to easily mess up with one decision – like, “I’m too tired. I don’t have time.” And regret for half a year… and counting. And yes, here I am gambling with time (and space), thinking time heals? It did, before. It should, now. But what I really need is not the general rule “time heals.” I need to heal – i.e. make myself less regretful, make the not-talking-with-each-other less painful. But more than anything else, I want to have my friend back. (Actually, there are two of them. And I want them back) But how do I justify something that cannot be justified – something which, had I been the aggrieved party, I would never have forgiven, myself?  But, here I am, gambling with time (and space). HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, H!!!