Gambling with Time (and Space)

So, it’s the birthday of one of the most important friends I have. But I’m left with a general greeting of “Happy birthday. God bless you,” because I don’t feel it’s legit to give a long and melodramatic message when we haven’t really talked since May. I did something wrong – really wrong. And I just can't find the right words to explain myself because there really are no words to justify what I did. So here I am, gambling with time (and space), after having said the general words and phrases which basically meant, “I was sorry,” which of course, was not enough. Feels bad how to easily mess up with one decision – like, “I’m too tired. I don’t have time.” And regret for half a year… and counting. And yes, here I am gambling with time (and space), thinking time heals? It did, before. It should, now. But what I really need is not the general rule “time heals.” I need to heal – i.e. make myself less regretful, make the not-talking-with-each-other less painful. But more than anything else, I want to have my friend back. (Actually, there are two of them. And I want them back) But how do I justify something that cannot be justified – something which, had I been the aggrieved party, I would never have forgiven, myself?  But, here I am, gambling with time (and space). HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, H!!!