Just so you know, I LOVE YOU

Random facts:

1. It felt perfect when we were together, even just as friends. It was perfect.
2. When that thing happened during last year’s semestral break, I did not know what to do. I did even know how to cope. And I still have this big question: Were you telling the truth?
3. When I had not seen you for two months, no communication, I felt sad and empty.
4. When you made attempts (or probably they were not attempts, I just assumed they were) to talk, I felt happy and thankful and missing you.
5. Last summer, you broke my heart. As in, you broke my heart. I cannot elaborate everything here, but ohlalala.
6. I am thankful for writing me or editing for me my writeup.
7. Since this number corresponds to your name, I want you to stay. I want us to stay, even just as friends.

If one day you read this, just so you know, not for any other thing, but just so you know, I love you. And no matter how much I want to put a D in this verb, I can not or I just can not do it yet. So there you go, I love you.

I think about you all the time. Can I just say that “all the time” here is not an exaggeration. And stop calling me hopeless romantic. This is not even romantic. I’d rather accept this situation as hopeless than romantic or hopeless romantic. Believe me it is true when I say that I want to see you everyday. And mind you, I do not even have the right but I always get jealous whenever you hang around with someone else. I mean what have you done to me? I have never felt anything like this before, to the point that something bad happens to you, I feel like I am the most affected person. Something good happens, I rejoice for you, much more your closest friends do (believe me, this is true). You are not the most handsome guy in this world, how come you have captured my heart for more than a year now (1 year and two months to be exact). It was a good thing back then. You were really inspiring. But the situation today and nowadays is totally different. I mean, we do not have time for each other (or even if we do, I feel we/you would rather spend the precious time for someone or something else) So back to the point that I feel jealous even if I do not have the right to. I could not stop asking why in the first place have you chosen me (or if you did not deliberately choose me, why did we become together more than each of us became together with someone else, other than ourselves)? I wanted you to be my friend even before I met you (I admit that and I have told you many times this fact) So is this the reason why we became friends? That you just gave in or welcomed my implicit invitation to become friends. With all honesty, I just wanted us to become friends, nothing more, back then. But hey dearie, can I just say you have gone too far, much farther than what my other friends get or know of me. Or was it my fault to have given too much of myself, too much of my time, too much of my trust, too much of my attention, too much of my love (or love is a strong word, too much of my liking). I have a lot of questions because I want to understand but how can I even ask questions that have the possibility of being valid only in my end and not with yours. Perhaps I have given things too much meaning. I cannot just arrive at a rationalization that I should not be sad that it ended, I need to happy that it happened. It is painful to accept especially because I have never wanted it to end and I do not want the tense of “to happen” to be in the past tense. I want it in the present or future. Or if everything needs to end just when I am not yet ready, please let me know why did you let all things to start, to begin with? Or maybe it is a question I should be asking to myself. But please, if you know you are this person, can you please, please answer the questions, you know you are capable of answering. I have a lot of questions. I have a lot. They might be left unanswered forever. It is a sad thing to always wake up in the morning knowing that I do not have the answers and the only person who might give me a glimpse of the truth is not willing to give me that glimpse (or not aware that hey, I want the truth) Or if there is nothing true with every assumption I made, or I felt, please, I am begging, just tell me why they are lies. Tell me why and how I could have possibly been trapped in this world of imagination that was sweet but turned bitter through time. It is not that something bad is happening but something different is happening. It is ironic how I am trying to forget things that never really were in the first place.